When Will He Call? The Waiting Game

When Will He Call? The Waiting Game
By Melodie Sheppard

One of the most common questions I get asked as a psychic is: "when will he (or she) call?"

This usually comes on the heels of one of two potential relationship scenarios:

1: they've made a connection with someone who seemed promising at the time but hasn't followed up; or

2: there's been discord in an existing relationship and no one has called to try to make things right.

In both scenarios the client is clearly "waiting" for the other person to make a move, but what they don't understand is that getting that to happen is far more in their hands than anything else, and that what they do (or don't do) now can make all the difference in the world.

First and foremost, waiting always manifests as waiting - energetically - which means that doing so will either prolong or prevent you from getting the outcome you desire.

That doesn't mean you have to be literally curled up in a ball or sitting by the phone. Waiting takes on many forms. It can be as simple as checking your phone for missed calls or text messages; checking (and re-checking) the other person's status on social networking sites; nudging things along by sending out mass emails or updating your own social networking status (with the expectation that the other person will see it); holding off on making other plans or accepting other invitations, and so on. Hang up calls fall into this category too, but lets hope you're too old for that now.

There are numerous forms of "waiting" that you're probably not even aware of, because you are after all still attending to your day-to-day affairs. But if you're also in any way preoccupied or fixated on someone who's just not calling, you can bet you're waiting. And that will invariably slow things down.

When we're involved with someone romantically - even if it hasn't yet developed into anything more than an attraction - we don't have any trouble believing that we share some kind of deep psychic connection. But what most of us fail to understand, at least initially, is that this connection extends to "energy" which is transmitted both ways. That energy is not conscious or observable, but it's just as powerful. For that reason, the last thing you want to do at this stage is to let that energy stall.

It is my belief that "anxiety" is a psychic phenomenon. Which means that when you're feeling anxious - frantic, panicking, obsessing, perseverating, etc. - it's your subconscious mind telling you that there's a reason to be anxious. The other person is not thinking of you, or not as invested, or not comfortable with the energy he or she is picking up from you. With that in mind, it's absolutely not the time to break down and make that call yourself.

Why? Because while the energy does transmit both ways it gets distorted in the translation. It gets exaggerated and overblown. Your feeling anxious can translate as pushy, needy or desperate, for example. And the other person will organically balance that out by becoming cold, vague, avoidant or indifferent. This then spirals into a greater division which could have been avoided.

This is one instance where "trusting your instincts" is not in your best interest. Because these instincts get skewed by your anxiety, which is already telling you it's not happening! Your "instincts" will try to trick you into calling or sending a casual text, which will backfire because the other person is already feeling uncomfortable with your level of interest. Even if that's an unconscious awareness. So it's like throwing a bucket of water to a drowning man. It can only widen the rift.

So how do you remedy this situation? How do you get around the "waiting game" and turn it back to your advantage? Provided that you catch it before it's too late - which means before you've ignored all the earlier signals and completely alienated the other person - you can turn this around by shifting your energy in the complete opposite direction. This doesn't just mean no calls, texts, IM's, emails, etc. It also means trusting that everything you do gets transmitted just as powerfully whether it's transmitted consciously or unconsciously.

Ask yourself what you would be doing if he or she had a bird's-eye view into all of your private activities. Would you be doing Facebook drive-byes? Checking your phone to see if you missed a call? Panicking over what feels to you like a full-fledged rejection? Or would you be dressed to the nines, going out with friends, fending off other romantic interests (only because there are so many!) and in general living the full and rich life that you're entitled to be living?

Once you look at it that way it becomes easier to shift that energy. And once you do that, the Universe responds by bringing you more of the same. More interest directed toward you - including that of the person you're no longer waiting for to call - and less repelling energy. You'll know it's working when out of the blue that phone call does come, much more quickly than it would have otherwise.

My name is Melodie. As a professional psychic, astrologer and relationship counselor, this is one of the most common questions I receive. I'm usually able to work with clients to redirect them toward restoring the balance in their relationships, and this is just one method. If you want to read more articles like these, I invite you to check out my website, and get the Scoop

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How To Have A Good Night Call Which Brings Him Closer

How To Have A Good Night Call Which Brings Him Closer
By Jamee Light

Saying Good Night Never Felt So Good

Knowing how to say good night on a phone call will bring your relationship closer.

You can do as you have always done, talk as if you are a reporter - giving him a factual account of your day -when he asks how are you, how was your day - you can say as an example - "I went to the grocery store, I took the car in for a wash", this and that as if you are reporting. Also, and as you have always done - you could continue to do what you are doing while talking with him- continue doing the dishes, washing your face, putting your clothes away, getting ready for bed.

Instead I suggest you STOP...

1. When you hear the phone ring -Stop doing whatever you are doing
2. Pick up your cat, a stuffed animal, a plush blanket - something to pet
3. Go to your bed, couch, comfortable chair - lying down is best, leaning back/reclining is what is needed
4. Unzipping your heart
5. You answer Hiiiiiiiiiiii! - but if possible you say it from your vagina - some place deep in your body, as sensuously as you can
6. He says Hi! And then he asks how you are?
7. You say - "Great - it is great to hear your voice"
8. You wait - you don't try to fill in the conversation, might be tough for you to do
9. He says - "What's new, what did you do today?"
10. Here is where you don't "report" which would be like "I went to the store, I talked with my daughter, I paid some bills."
11. Instead like a poet you say "It felt so good to be laughing with some friends" or maybe "the sun felt so good on my face when I went for a walk" - something using feeling words
12. He says something
13. You bring the conversation to the present moment with something like this "It feels so quiet outside"
14. He says something.
15. You feel the conversation coming to a close
16. You close it with "I feel so relaxed and sleepy - can't wait to get between the sheets, I feel I will say good night and will be dreaming about you."

If he doesn't say - "maybe I'll come over and join you" just then and there, he probably will say " I can't wait to see you, is Saturday good for you?"

You can use modifications of this for daytime calls, texts, emails.

Let me know how it goes when/if you try The Good Night Call...

Feel free to contact me for help with this or some other tools. Visit my website-there are bunches of tools there. http://www.CoachingbyJameeLight.com

For the time being I am offering free 1/2 hour coaching sessions. I also have lots of tools to share with you on my website. If you feel that romantic relationships are not possible for you for whatever reason, I am here to help you make them possible. If I can experience them, I know it is possible for you.

Looking forward to helping you realize This Is Your Time For Love...

http://www.CoachingbyJameeLight.com

Love,

Jamee Light

jamee@coachingbyjameelight.com

Certified Rori Raye Coach

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Graduating From Loneliness To Solitude

Graduating From Loneliness To Solitude
By Charanjit Singh Arora

There is still hope.

My spouse will respect and love me again.

In the early years of our marriage, we had mutual respect and love.

It vanished long ago.

Past

It was a conditional love.

"I love you, but... " she always said.

I didn't realize then.

Later, she kept telling me that I was invariably wrong in whatever I did.

I always said, "Sorry", even if I was right.

She believed that she was always right.

Her respect for me, slowly turned into tolerance.

Her love for me changed into hatred.

But hopes never die.

I have waited for a change in her attitude for decades.

Staying together, was important for children's sake.

There were difficult moments.

It was humiliating at times.

I often apologised orally and in writing.

Her king-sized ego was ever ready for a clash.

I was never rigid in my attitude.

I reassured her after every conflict, that I would change my life for the better.

I wished, " If only, my spouse could accept me, as I was!"

I am a normal, imperfect human being.

I am honest, not a manipulator.

I am a mediocre, and not an efficient human being.

Yet, I am capable of looking after my family.

But I was not good enough for her - as she perceived.

Our married life lacked harmony.

There were always complaints against me.

"You are incapable of even providing my basic needs.

My parents look after that."

Was it true?

It doesn't matter.

It was a painful realization.

I don't remember the last occasion, when we laughed together.

Present

Now the children are well settled in life and our parenting role is over.

Should we seek their help to act as mediators or moderators?

Parental conflicts should not involve children.

But then who else can help us?

Why not to face the music of my life on my own?

Onus falls on me.

Should I continue to live the last years of my life, as I have lived so far?

How can I rebuild her respect for me?

What do I want in my life?

Let me correct, my mindset:

(a) first - my self-respect, and

(b) second - my respect for family members.

I owe gratitude only to my parents.

With siblings, spouse, and others, we live life on an equal footing.

Should I really try to set my record straight?

Is it too late?

Of late, there has been a marked change in her behavior.

She believes that she can face the world better, if she was alone.

She bade me 'good-bye' in her mind, from her life, 15 years ago.

I didn't realize it then.

In her judgement, I was not good enough to continue our relationship.

I learnt it a year ago, when she communicated to me.

But, hopes never die.

I still have a hope, "She will realize my worth."

But I can't beg love.

I can't beg respect.

Yes, I will bear it calmly.

I will never be annoyed on this issue.

I am thankful for decades old sweet and sour memories of decades of shared life.

I know - the good old days are far away, out of my reach now.

It is painful, but a harsh reality of life.

Analysis

When I look back, where did I go wrong?

I was not greedy.

I was not unfaithful.

I was sincere to my family.

Her condescending behavior did little to cheer up the relationship.

But I need spouse's affection to survive.

I can't seek it elsewhere.

I am a civilized human being.

My actions should never cause embarrassment to my family.

This was God's will.

I accept His writ.

Let me live my life cool and march out quietly.

Let me keep my griefs, and expectations within.

It is not worth sharing.

We are all busy in our daily chores.

If I am not an asset to my spouse, let me not be a liability to my family.

We are all lonely.

Who said," If you want to live lonely, get married."?

Ha! ha!!

"But, I love you... ", I asserted always.

"I love you, but... ", was the reply.

Only God loves us unconditionally.

Let me live in solitude with Him.

Amen!

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Make Life Bigger Than "Yes" Versus "No

Make Life Bigger Than "Yes" Versus "No
By Amiel Handelsman

Many people want you to stop saying "Yes" to everything. It's overloading your life, sapping your energy, and keeping you from doing the meaningful stuff. Jeff Goins calls this "the small but soul-crushing word you use every day."

Their solution? Say "No."

This recommendation isn't wrong, just incomplete. What it leaves out are two other legitimate responses to requests. By incorporating these into your repertoire, you not only free yourself from overscheduling. You also live a bigger life.

But first...

The virtues of saying "No"

Let's give "No" its due. If you're the kind of person who agrees to everything, making more frequent use of "No" helps you:

• Avoid overcommitting yourself. This one is pretty obvious.
• Focus on what matters most. Having less on your plate gives you time to consider what is truly important to you-and then focus on it.
• Preserve your dignity. Declining a request can be an act of integrity. It's not just that you feel better. You actually become a person who has the right and capacity to choose.
• Increase your credibility. People will trust your "Yeses" more when they hear you say "No." They'll know you took the time to assess your skill, interest, and availability in bringing about what was asked.

In short, it often pays to say yes to "No."

But not all of the time.

One alternative to "Yes" versus "No"

You're in the middle of a meeting and someone hands you a note. (Yeah, I know. It would really be a text message or tweet. But humor me here.) The note says, "Luke insists on borrowing your light saber next Thursday. What should I tell him?" You're immersed in the conversation, and this is a big commitment, so you write back, "Tell him I'll let him know tomorrow morning."

Alright, dear readers, is this a "Yes" or a "No?"

It's neither. You're saying I'll get back to you with an answer. Some people call this "buying time" or "stall tactics." I call it a Promise to Reply Later. The difference is more than semantics. When you promise to reply later, you are not avoiding commitment. You are making a commitment. And people can feel this. You can feel this.

Let's set aside my Luke/light saber example for a moment and consider a more everyday business example. You run a manufacturing organization. Your peer, Amy, interfaces between you and the sales organization. She asks you if you can produce 50,000 units by the end of November. She is under a lot of pressure from the sales folks and wants your answer now-or so it seems. In the past, you might have said "Yes" to keep her happy, show that you're in charge, or avoid your boss's wrath.

But this time is different. You're ready to practice a new response. You say, "Amy, this is a serious commitment, and I know you've got sales breathing down your neck. I want to give you a firm commitment of what I can produce and when I can produce it. To do this, I need 48 hours, and then I promise to give you an answer. Will this work for you?"

Amy might be disappointed by not having an immediate response, but will she view you as unconcerned about her interests, weak, or flaky? Not likely. Because you've acknowledged her situation and made a sincere commitment. Not to manufacture X amount, but to get back to her by a specific time.

It may seem a small thing, but you've simultaneously increased your degrees of freedom and shown up in a powerful way. You have made your life bigger than it was a moment ago.

What are some other times you may choose to promise to reply later?

Useful times to promise to reply later

• Your attention is on something else. You don't have a moment to think.
• You are tired, cranky, wired, on a new medication, or otherwise not in the best physical condition to make a grounded response.
• You aren't clear on what's been requested and may need to get clarification before responding.
• Your ability to fulfill the promise depends on other people helping you. It would be wise to get their commitment before giving yours.
• You have a habit of immediately saying "Yes" and want to pause to respond more mindfully.
• You have a habit of immediately saying "No" and want to pause to respond more mindfully.
• Your relationship with the other person is sticky or complicated, so you need time to place this request in the context of the relationship.
• You just need more time.

Now, let's say you're in one of these situations. You're not ready to say "Yes" or "No." But you also don't want to be one of those people who delay responding out of flakiness. You want to stand in integrity. How can you ensure you are doing this?

A few tips

• Commit to getting back to the other person by a particular day or time. You are not blowing off the person. You are making a commitment to them. Not "I'll let you know" or "I'll think about it." Those are too vague. What you say instead is "I'll let you know by Wednesday evening." Or, better yet, "I'll let you know by Wednesday at 7pm."
• When you say this, you need to mean it. You have to be willing to stand by your commitment. Sincerity matters.
• Follow through. Whatever you need to do to decide how you will respond, you do it. And then respond by the promised time. Of course, when Wednesday at 7pm comes around, you may realize Gee I'm still not sure how to respond to this request. These things happen. What's important is that you communicate this to the other person. Worried that they'll think you're flaky for doing this? That's possible, but the really flaky behaviors are agreeing to a promise you know you cannot keep or not responding by the promised time.

So the next time you're not sure whether to say "Yes" or "No," consider promising to reply later.

In my next post, I'll introduce a fourth legitimate response to a request: the counteroffer.

Join the Conversation

I love hearing your comments and questions about these blog posts. Here is today's question:

Question: When was the last time you promised to reply later?

Amiel Handelsman is the author of Practice Greatness: Escape Small Thinking, Listen Like A Master, And Lead With Your Best. Recently, Fast Company ran an excerpt of one of my favorite chapters: How To Make Peace With Your Enemies At Work And Beyond.

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Living With an Addict - Alcoholic

Living With an Addict - Alcoholic
By Darlene Lancer
Living with an addict can be a living hell. Unpredictable and dangerous, yet sometimes exciting and romantic. Never knowing when we'll be blamed or accused. Not being able to dependably plan social events. As the addict becomes more irresponsible, we pick up the slack and do more, often becoming the sole functioning parent or even the sole provider; yet we're unable to lean on our partner for comfort or support. Meanwhile, we rescue him or her from disasters, medical emergencies, accidents, or jail, make excuses for no-shows at work and family gatherings, and patch up damaged property, relationships, and self-inflicted mishaps. We may also endure financial hardship, criminality, domestic violence, or infidelity due to the addict's behavior. We worry, feel angry, afraid, and alone. We hide our private lives from friends, co-workers, and even family to cover up the problems created by addiction or alcoholism. Our shame isn't warranted; nonetheless, we feel responsible for the actions of the addict. Our self-esteem deteriorates from the addict's lies, verbal abuse, and blame. Our sense of safety and trust erodes as our isolation and despair grow. My focus is on alcoholism, but many of the feelings partner's experience are the same, regardless of the type of addiction. Alcoholism is considered a disease. Like other addiction, it's a compulsion that worsens over time. Alcoholics drink to ease their emotional pain and emptiness. Some try to control their drinking and may be able to stop for a while, but once alcohol dependency takes hold, most find it impossible to drink like non-alcoholics. When they try to curb their drinking, they eventually end up drinking more than they intend despite their best efforts not to. No matter what they say, they aren't drinking because of you, nor because they're immoral or lack willpower. They drink because they have a disease and an addiction. They deny this reality and rationalize or blame their drinking on anything or anyone else. Denial is the hallmark of addiction. Drinking is considered an "Alcohol Use Disorder," when there's a pattern of use causing impairment or distress manifested by at least two of the following signs within a year, when the person:

1. Drinks alcohol in greater amounts or for a longer period than was intended
2. Has a persistent desire or has made failed attempts to reduce or control drinking
3. Spends great time in activities to obtain or use alcohol or to recover from its effects
4. Has a strong desire to drink alcohol
5. Fails to meet obligations at work, school, or home due to recurrent drinking
6. Drinks despite the recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or worsened as a result
7. Stops or reduces important activities due to drinking
8. Drinks when it's physically hazardous to do so
9. Drinks despite a recurrent physical or psychological problem caused or worsened as a result
10. Develops tolerance (needs increased amounts to achieve desired effect)
11. Has withdrawal symptoms from disuse, such as tremor, insomnia, nausea, anxiety, agitation

Alcoholism is "a family disease." It's said that at least five other people experience the effects of each drinker's alcoholism, coined "secondhand drinking," by Lisa Frederiksen. We try to control the situation, the drinking, and the alcoholic. If you live with an alcoholic, you're affected most, and children severely suffer because of their vulnerability and lack of maturity, especially if their mother or both parents are addicts. It's painful to helplessly watch someone we love slowly destroy him or herself, our hopes and dreams, and our family. We feel frustrated and resentful from repeatedly believing the addict's broken promises and from trying to control an uncontrollable situation. This is our denial. In time, we become as obsessed with the alcoholic as he or she is with alcohol. We may look for him or her in bars, count his or her drinks, pour out booze, or search for bottles. As it says in Al-Anon's "Understanding Ourselves," "All our thinking becomes directed at what the alcoholic is doing or not doing and how to get the drinker to stop drinking." Without help, our codependency follows the same downward trajectory of alcoholism. There is hope, and there is help for the addict and for codependent family members. The first step is to learn as much as you can about alcoholism and codependency. Many of the things we do to help an addict or alcoholic are counterproductive and actually can make things worse. Listen to the experience, strength, and hope of others in recovery. Al-Anon Family Groups can help. You will learn:
• Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
• Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery
• Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
• Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit
• Not to cover up for another's mistakes or misdeeds
• Not to create a crisis
• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events*
Attend an Al-Anon meeting in your area or online. Read and do the exercises in my book, Codependency for Dummies.
*Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, expert in relationships, codependency, addiction and author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. She has a broad range of experience, working with individuals and couples for 25 years. She is an author and frequent speaker. She maintains private practice in Santa Monica, CA and coaches internationally. For more information, see http://www.whatiscodependency.com to receive a FREE Report, "14 Tips for Letting Go," and find links to her books and ebooks, How to Speak Your Mind- Become Assertive and Set Limits, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism and Codependency Daily Reflections.
You can follow her on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/codependencyrecovery.
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Meaning of Lust: Is It Bad?

Meaning of Lust: Is It Bad?
By Madan G Singh

The Bhagwad Gita the word of the Lord Krishna says "One who is able to withstand the impulse of lust and anger before death is a yogI ". Thus the Gita accepts lust as a normal human failing and says that if one has to become a Yogi, then one must withstand the temptation of lust. The Gita further adds in verse 21 of chapter 16 that the three kinds of doorways to hell are lust, anger and greed

Most religions including the Christian religion look on lust as something to be avoided to reach God. What is lust? Lust is an emotional force that is directly associated with the thinking or fantasizing of a mans mind. To kill this fantasy is not easy. Perhaps if you are a yogi it may be possible but for a normal man this dream is an essential part of everyday life. There is chemistry involved and no scientist has yet been able to decipher this code. Why should man lust for one particular woman and not for another?

What happens to a man who lusts for the girl next door? It is desire and is something that cannot be suppressed. It is a human failing, but this chemistry is also created by god, yet god cautions against Lusting. In this connection it is worth looking into what Acharya Rajneesh says. As per Rajneesh the cause of the misery of man is want and lust is at the top. In case a man can somehow reach what he lust for he may very well realize that this lusting is like mythical chimera and happiness does not flow automatically. But it makes the man realize that lusting is not the end all and be all of life.

The Acharya also cautions against the 'guilt complex' which may come to haunt a man who has lusted for a particular woman. This is more harmful than lust and could shatter the psyche of a man.

It must be understood that what the scriptures write is for a man who is aspiring to become a superman. Sometimes this is not possible as in all cases a majority of human beings are people who live a mundane life. For such people a fantasy is an important crunch in life. I do feel that lusting is a normal human failing and perhaps once you have gratified your lust, you will be the wiser for it and then what the Gita says will be properly understood.

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Relationships: Why Do Some Men Fear Intimacy?

Relationships: Why Do Some Men Fear Intimacy?
By Oliver JR Cooper

While men and women are both human, they are often portrayed as being radically different. It is clear that they are different on the outside, but what is not as clear is that there are differences when it comes to their brain structure.

One outlook is that these differences are due to genetics, and there is another view that says these differences are the result of socialisation. This means that men and women are not that different, what have made us different are the environments we have lived in.

However, regardless of whether it is nature or nurture or a bit of both, there are generally differences. For instance, women are often seen as the ones who want to settle down and have a relationship and men are not.

The Modern Day

But although this has been the case for so long, as times have changed and gender roles are no longer as defined, it is not always this black and white. In the past, men were seen as the bread winners and the women were the ones who stayed at home; yet in today's world, it can be the other way round.

There is less pressure for men and women to act in a certain way and it is now a lot easier for them to be who they want to be. This doesn't apply to every part of the world of course, but it is something that is taking place in the west.

Freedom

As men and women contain both the masculine and the feminine within them, this is one example of how people are embracing their true self. A woman no longer needs to act 'like a woman' and a man no longer needs to 'act like a man'.

It would be inaccurate to say that men and woman have always acted a certain way, as there have always been differences. Yet in the past, there was more pressure and this pressure is gradually disappearing.

Change

However, even though the labels that each gender are given don't always reflect reality, it doesn't mean that they will no longer be used. Through labelling one gender as being a certain way, it stops people from having to think and from taking responsibility for what is taking place in their life.

For example, if one's experience with the opposite sex is always the same, it might be normal for them to take this as evidence that they are all the same. Another approach would be for them to look at what is taking place within them and to see what part they are playing. This is because one is not simply an observer of their reality; they are the co-creators of it.

Emotional Needs

Women are often seen as emotional creatures and men are often seen as having a more logical approach. This can create the impression that women are unable to be logical and that men don't have the ability to relate on an emotional level.

Based on this, women have emotional needs and men don't; what they do have is physical needs. It is then normal for women to want a relationship and for men to just want sex.

Validation

If a woman comes into contact with a man who is only interested in fulfilling his physical needs, it can be seen as normal. It is then black and white, and that's all there is to it. This could be something she has always experienced and each experience could validate the outlook that she has.

Maintaining the outlook that all men are the same is not going to allow one to attract men who are different. And while some men may act as though they only have physical needs, it doesn't mean all men are the same.

Men

There are going to be men out there who are in touch with their emotional needs and some who are not. If they are not in touch with their emotional needs, it is going to be a challenge for them to be intimate with a woman.

Instead, one could end up having sex as a way to experience intimacy. Their heart is not going to be open, but it gives them an instant experience of feeling connected to another. The illusion of intimacy can then be created but one is likely to feel empty shortly after.

Conflict

Just because someone needs something, it doesn't mean that they feel safe having it. On one side, one could have the need to experience intimacy and on the other, one could fear intimacy.

They might find that when they start to get close to another it is overwhelming or one might not even get this far. In the beginning it might be fine, but once things start to pick up, they might feel the need to pull away.

What's going on?

So as one has the need to experience intimacy but also fears it, it could be heard for them to understand what is going on. Yet, if one was to take look at how they mothers treated them during their childhood, they might soon realise why they feel as they do.

This could have been a time where one was used by their mothers to take care of their needs and this would have caused one's needs to be overlooked. On one hand, their mother may have been self-absorbed and on the other, they may have been smothering.

Out of Touch

So when one did receive attention, it would have been for their mothers benefit and not their own. And as their mother was out of touch with their needs, one would have felt smothered and trapped by her attention. When this wasn't the case, they may have been emotionally and/or physically abandoned.

Their mother wouldn't have been able to see them as being separate; instead, one would have been seen as extension of their mother and there to meet her needs. This is also likely to have been a time where there was too much energy being directed towards them by their mother (and sometimes the wrong type of energy), and this may have been due to the fact that their mother was single or emotionally disconnected from one's father or the man that she was with.

Awareness

This can then set a man up to fear being smothered on one side and to fear being abandoned on the other. The fear of abandoned can then cause them to come on strong, but the fear of being smothered can then cause them to pull away soon after.

While one is no longer a child, the emotional experiences of the past will have remained trapped in their body. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group can allow one to face and release these emotional experiences.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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Relationships: Is The Fear Of Abandonment Causing You To Get Attached Too Soon?

Relationships: Is The Fear Of Abandonment Causing You To Get Attached Too Soon?
By Oliver JR Cooper

There are people who like to take their time when it comes to the beginning of a relationship, and then there are others who go in head first. And based on how they behave, it is safe to say that they are both having a different inner experience.

However, just because one may have a pattern of behaving in a certain way, it doesn't mean that they will always behave in the same way. It could all depend on how they feel internally and on the effect the other person has on them.

It is said that the best way to find out how someone will behave in the future is to look at how they have behaved in the past. This is because human beings are creatures of habit and tend to do the same things over and over again.

Change

There is also the chance that someone will change and do something else, but they might not. If one is doing something that is having a positive impact on their life then there would be no reason for them to change.

The problems will arise when they end up doing something over and over again that is not having a positive impact on their life. So instead of one being able to move forward, they end up going backwards.

Patience

If one takes their time when they meet someone, they might say that this is the best approach as it allows them to see what the other person is like. One could say that a company wouldn't just hire another person without finding out about them first.

This could be classed as the logical approach and one that may lead to the best outcome. Their body may want things to progress a lot faster and their heart might feel drawn to the other person, but they are able to delay gratification.

Impatience

When one doesn't take their time, it could be said they ignore their head or that they just trust their intuition. It then like hiring someone based on how one feels about the other person and not because of their credentials.

To some people, this approach is going to be seen as being illogical and the one that is likely to lead to the worst outcome. They are being guided by their body and their heart, and it is not possible for them to delay gratification.

Black And White

However, whether this relates to someone's personal relationships or to someone who employers others, there are going to examples that support both outlooks. There are going to be people who go with how they feel and end up with people who are perfect for them.

Just as there will be people who hire people based on how they feel and they end up with the ideal employee. It is then not about one approach being better than the other; as they will both have a time and a place.

Is It Working?

If one is getting attached too soon and ends up with the wrong kind of people and gets hurt, it is then going to be important for them to try another approach. To get attached straight away might be what feels right and if this is the case, it is going to a challenge for them to do something else.

While one's feelings can be an expression of their intuition, they can also be the result of emotional pain that they have not processed. So as one heals their pain, their intuition is likely to improve.

Getting Attached

Based on how one feels when they meet someone, it might not matter whether the other person is right for them or not. The fact that they are there could be enough for one to get attached to them.

Their friends may even warm them and say the other person is not right for them and one may see the signs themselves. But their feelings take over and it doesn't matter what is taking place in their head or what others say.

Conflict

This may be how one has behaved for many years and they might not be able to see that there is another way, and that their mind can work with their body. As one ends up being attached to others so soon, it would be easy to say this is because of the effect other people have on them, but this is not the complete truth.

It also comes down to what is taking place within them and how this is behind their need to merge with other people. If it was only about what takes place externally, then one wouldn't be able to do anything about what is happening.

Abandonment

One is likely to have a fear of being abandoned and through becoming attached to another person; it allows them to regulate how they feel. They are going to believe that if they attach to them, they won't be left.

But their behaviour could have the opposite effect and end up pushing other person away. The reason they feel as they do is likely to be the result of what happened during their childhood.

Childhood

This is likely to have been a time where one's caregiver/s was emotionally and physically unavailable. To be left during these early years would have felt like death and this is because one wouldn't have had the ability to regulate their emotions.

And as they were left during these years, there is also the chance they ended being smothered. This could be described as a natural consequence of having a caregiver that was out of touch with their needs.

Awareness

So while one may get attached to others too soon due to the fear of being abandoned, they might also end the relationship because they end up feeling smothered. One's childhood is long behind them, but the emotional experiences of the past have remained within them.

The assistance of a therapist or a healer will enable one to face and release their trapped emotions.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

Feel free to join the Facebook Group -
https://www.facebook.com/OliverJRCooper

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Do You Make People Up?

Do You Make People Up?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." -Anais Nin

A variation on the above quote might be, "We don't see people as they are - we see them as we want them to be."

I see this over and over with my clients. For example, Jason met a beautiful woman and became infatuated with her.

"Pamela is everything I've ever wanted in a woman - intelligent, open and gorgeous."

"Jason, how long have you known Pamela?"

"We've been dating for over a month."

"This isn't enough time to get to know a person."

"I have a good feeling about her. We are on the same wavelength. We really click."

Three months later Jason broke up with Pamela.

"She's crazy. She gets enraged when she doesn't get what she wants. She's very insecure and needy, constantly needing my attention. And she wanted to quit her job, move in with me and be taken care of."

While Pamela was good at appearing open, Jason was good at making people up. He so wanted Pamela to be who he wanted her to be that he completely ignored many red flags in the first month of their relationship.

Do you make people up, being overly positive to fit your concept of who you want them to be?

Do you project yourself onto them, seeing them as you are rather than as they are?

Do you ignore the promptings of your inner knowing because you are so attracted to a person?

Do you convince yourself that, because you are so attracted to this person, things will be okay?

If you are an empathic person, easily feeling others' feelings, do you assume that others are also empathic?

I struggled with this for years, making up that others felt and cared about my feelings as I felt and cared about theirs - and then I felt very confused and hurt when others seemed to be uncaring and cavalier about my feelings.

Now I know that I had to make up my parents in order to survive. I had to make up that they were capable of empathy, because if I had understood and accepted that they were incapable of feeling my feelings as I felt theirs, I don't think I could have survived. But because I had learned to make them up, I also made up all the other people in my life, and I ended up being a caretaker for everyone.

It was hard to come into reality about many of the people in my life - the reality that I had drawn in people who wanted my empathy, caring and compassion, but who had none for me. It was only when I started to practice Inner Bonding and focused my empathy, caring and compassion on my own feelings that I was able to stop making people up. As I became more aware of and more trusting of my own feelings, I became able to quickly discern who was capable of empathy and who wasn't.

Today, I no longer make people up. If someone lacks empathy and compassion, then I no longer expect them to care about my feelings. Sometimes a person has so many other wonderful qualities that it's okay with me that they lack empathy and compassion. I don't necessarily push them away just because they lack empathy, but I no longer get hurt by them because I no longer expect their caring or compassion.

What do you make up about people?

Do you make up that they are givers when they are really takers?

Do you make up that they are open when they are closed?

Do you make up that they are kind when they are often harsh and sarcastic?

Do you make up that they are financially responsible when they are financial flakes or financial users?

Do you make up that they will change - stop drinking or taking drugs, get a good job, be caring, become committed to the relationship - and refuse to know that you get what you see?

The more you practice Inner Bonding and learn to give yourself what you need, the easier time you will have being in reality about people.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding� healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

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