Graduating From Loneliness To Solitude

Graduating From Loneliness To Solitude
By Charanjit Singh Arora

There is still hope.

My spouse will respect and love me again.

In the early years of our marriage, we had mutual respect and love.

It vanished long ago.

Past

It was a conditional love.

"I love you, but... " she always said.

I didn't realize then.

Later, she kept telling me that I was invariably wrong in whatever I did.

I always said, "Sorry", even if I was right.

She believed that she was always right.

Her respect for me, slowly turned into tolerance.

Her love for me changed into hatred.

But hopes never die.

I have waited for a change in her attitude for decades.

Staying together, was important for children's sake.

There were difficult moments.

It was humiliating at times.

I often apologised orally and in writing.

Her king-sized ego was ever ready for a clash.

I was never rigid in my attitude.

I reassured her after every conflict, that I would change my life for the better.

I wished, " If only, my spouse could accept me, as I was!"

I am a normal, imperfect human being.

I am honest, not a manipulator.

I am a mediocre, and not an efficient human being.

Yet, I am capable of looking after my family.

But I was not good enough for her - as she perceived.

Our married life lacked harmony.

There were always complaints against me.

"You are incapable of even providing my basic needs.

My parents look after that."

Was it true?

It doesn't matter.

It was a painful realization.

I don't remember the last occasion, when we laughed together.

Present

Now the children are well settled in life and our parenting role is over.

Should we seek their help to act as mediators or moderators?

Parental conflicts should not involve children.

But then who else can help us?

Why not to face the music of my life on my own?

Onus falls on me.

Should I continue to live the last years of my life, as I have lived so far?

How can I rebuild her respect for me?

What do I want in my life?

Let me correct, my mindset:

(a) first - my self-respect, and

(b) second - my respect for family members.

I owe gratitude only to my parents.

With siblings, spouse, and others, we live life on an equal footing.

Should I really try to set my record straight?

Is it too late?

Of late, there has been a marked change in her behavior.

She believes that she can face the world better, if she was alone.

She bade me 'good-bye' in her mind, from her life, 15 years ago.

I didn't realize it then.

In her judgement, I was not good enough to continue our relationship.

I learnt it a year ago, when she communicated to me.

But, hopes never die.

I still have a hope, "She will realize my worth."

But I can't beg love.

I can't beg respect.

Yes, I will bear it calmly.

I will never be annoyed on this issue.

I am thankful for decades old sweet and sour memories of decades of shared life.

I know - the good old days are far away, out of my reach now.

It is painful, but a harsh reality of life.

Analysis

When I look back, where did I go wrong?

I was not greedy.

I was not unfaithful.

I was sincere to my family.

Her condescending behavior did little to cheer up the relationship.

But I need spouse's affection to survive.

I can't seek it elsewhere.

I am a civilized human being.

My actions should never cause embarrassment to my family.

This was God's will.

I accept His writ.

Let me live my life cool and march out quietly.

Let me keep my griefs, and expectations within.

It is not worth sharing.

We are all busy in our daily chores.

If I am not an asset to my spouse, let me not be a liability to my family.

We are all lonely.

Who said," If you want to live lonely, get married."?

Ha! ha!!

"But, I love you... ", I asserted always.

"I love you, but... ", was the reply.

Only God loves us unconditionally.

Let me live in solitude with Him.

Amen!

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