Five Signs That You're With the Wrong Group of People

Five Signs That You're With the Wrong Group of People
By Toni Rose B Eman

One's happiness in relation to one's self value is unique to everyone else. There are loads of reasons to feel happy about. It could be that you've finally graduated from school, earning on your own, or maybe have been able to enjoy the things you've so long been yearning for. But as the common notion goes, most of the time, the deemed acceptance, praises, and nonessential opinions of the people surrounding you seemed to be the most fitting source of happiness when it shouldn't be the case. Isn't it?

Although, there will be times when we need to hear what other people have to say, the mere feelings of self-empowerment should always come from yourself. Others will always have something to say no matter what, so make sure not to get lost in them. If you can't tell them to back up especially because it's a family member or someone close to you, learn to hear them but don't actually listen to them. Respect their opinion though. But learn to set a boundary for your own self's guard. After all, it's what you allow that could make or break your being. Sometimes learning to disagree with what others have to say is inevitable; thus, accept only those that would lift your being and take those that don't constructively.

So how do you know if you are with the wrong group of people? Here are five tale signs that you may be hanging out with the wrong group of people.

1. They demean your worth.

If there's one person who knows your value as an individual, it's you. Don't let anyone's negative opinions get into your system. It won't do you any good; thus, only decreases your self-esteem. Everyone's unique and is bound for greatness. Know where you stand. Greatness does not always have to be big and extravagant. Once you know worth and respect it yourself, whatever destructive comments you receive will only turn beneficial for you.

2. They destroy your image behind your back.

Sometimes, the most hurtful fact about hearing what others have to say is that knowing that it has been said behind your back. You don't have a hold on that, so just let it be. Fact to be reiterated, mouths could just be cunning and deceitful. Moreover, these mouths could even belong to the persons whom you trust the most. Always remind yourself of that fact, so you can limit yourself on what to share and what to keep only to yourself. Granting that you'd be affected, don't give one the satisfaction of totally destroying your well-being. Be nice and stay as one. You can never be destroyed unless you walk their talk. Hence, walk your own talk anyway.

3. They don't acknowledge your opinions.

To be heard could eradicate resentment or withdrawal. In one way or another, the importance of being listened to is essential to anyone's existence. At times if you're not recognized for your opinion is tantamount to not being acknowledged as an individual with substance. Don't worry though. Always remember that you matter. If not for a one or a certain group of people, then for others who may not be part of your circle but are constantly aware of your existence, inspired and are looking up to you. Be consoled by the fact that the world is composed of seven billion other people whom you have not met yet. They are out there waiting for you to let them acknowledge you for your ideas and views. Respect other's disapproval and be open to meet new people anyway.

4. They don't believe in what you can do.

If they don't believe on what you can do then don't believe in them too. You must not have succeeded in their eyes yet for them to belittle or openly disdain the things they thought you can't do. It's you who knows yourself better than others; thus, strengthen that. Successes and achievements do not have to be huge to be known. They don't have to be those that are commonly listed or defined in other people's mind. What's important is that you're confident and that you believe in yourself. You could certainly give the highest award there is to yourself if you do.

5. They always dwell on negativity.

Clearly, one can't stay positive under destructive and undesirable circumstances. Sometimes you tend to explode if not ending up joining them in these instances. But remember that you can always have the choice to leave if the conversations are not healthy anymore. You may not be able to control the things your people are dwelling on, but you can always decide not to join them especially if your values are affected. After all, you always have the freedom to choose whom you want to walk with and whom to leave behind.

Reflections

The most common solution to hanging out with the wrong group of people is to begin building harmonious relationship to the right ones. Don't get wrong, I don't suggest cutting ties with your spouse or your family members, but if they don't do you any good, then you can always choose to openly raise and point out your side or leave. But there can't actually be right or wrong people. What seems to be wrong for you may even be right for them and vice versa. Sometimes, it's a matter of proper communication too and meeting halfway. Leaving could still be an option but let it be your last resort. Always opt for saving relationships, nurturing and growing one than actually breaking one. It will always be nice to go around the park smiling to everyone than get cautious every time you think you'd see one you've broken connections with.

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Working Towards a Healthy Distance Relationship

Working Towards a Healthy Distance Relationship
By Helen T Dellomes

Distance, especially if a long one, is a real drawback in a relationship. It could end up in a homecoming or simply drifting away. In most cases where distance is getting into a couple's relationship, both must do some effort to work it out. It always takes two to tango and when one is left on the dance floor to dance with the beat, everything will soon prove to be a real show just to humor the one that stays to watch.

Though normally, people in this kind of situation find it hard to survive, the fighting-power of real love still works out magic in the end. However, we need not see things in its fairy view, but rather work out on it in a more practical sense. So we need to therefore take to take some time studying why things happen as they are? How we can prevent their happening? How we can handle the situation once we start facing it. It doesn't matter how a problem occurs or how many problems you had encountered but the real issue is how you deal with your problems.

Facing the Real Situation

At the start, it could be that you are about to be in it, you are in it or you are in the verge of getting out of it. Whatever, the case you are in, you had to face the truth that you are facing a dilemma that only you and your partner can deal with. Even in a situation where only is left to face the problem, still you need to be tough to get on with life. Everything is not permanent, no matter what happens, you got to get moving. Life does not end in a difficult situation. Just as there's always a new morning, one day you will wake up on the brighter side of the bed. It only depends on you on how long you will hang on with those worst situations in your life.

Adjusting to Drawbacks in your Relationship

Before the situation

There are several drawbacks you had to contend with while you are in a relation. A long distance relationship is always so difficult to handle especially at the start. How annoying it could be for you not to be able to see, do things or share activities with someone you love as you used to do before and suddenly everything stops because of the long distance that separates you from each other.

This kind of situation will put you and your partner on various test drive to see if you had patience, love and commitment to see through those days. Here again, you need to be more realistic and accept what life has to offer you. Be contented that you have someone to love. Know the real essence of Agape love. This does not deal only with its spiritual meaning but putting into practicality, Agape love connotes a kind of love that goes beyond time, distance and commitment. It's a kind of unconditional love. Settle your mind with the fact that you are in love with your partner and you are happy with it. It's not easy doing this. It would depend on strong you are in letting your mind control over your emotions. You need to be stronger than who you think you are to do this. But somehow, through the situation you're in at the moment, you will find out the real you.

Communication

Communication can be a great barrier in maintaining a relationship when it involves long distance to separate you. However, it depends on how you work it out to minimize if not totally eliminate problems caused by communication. Even in our modern technology today, where gadgets are out in the market to settle your communication problems, still many conflicts arises from it. Communication problems seem to hover in every corner of your relationship to instantly subject you to a test of patience. How many times had you attempted to walk out of your relationship when your partner failed to receive your calls or reply back to your text messages? Many ideas and thoughts would then run wild in your mild making you crazy as well, especially, when you are the jealous type. For both of you, you need to build up a strong communication in order to minimized arising of communication conflicts. Also establish a war plan that makes you both feel good after a fight Always remember that you are not fighting for good but just a way of settling some issues. Fighting does not necessarily mean closing the door but opening up yourself on every lesson learned after each fight. Don't feel deeply aggrieved after each fight. You may start shouting each other and end up patting each other's back. Understanding each other's difficult moods help a lot to get over with difficult situations.

Jealousy

If one of you is the jealous type, it could be very hard to maintain a long-distance relationship. You will always end up fighting over some silly matters. This can cause tension for both of you. When one is getting paranoid, conflicts may suddenly cause to ignite in the middle of any conversation. Paranoia is present especially when there is insecurity. To fight this, a little reassurance from a loved one won't hard. It's just natural for women to become paranoid when a loved one is far away and she can't see what's going on over there. A little delay in responding to a call or text would lead her to think that he's probably busy with another girl or he may have no more interest on you. Things like this hanging on your head can really create real trouble. To overcome this, your partner need to be understanding on what is going in you just as you need to understand what he is there for. Jealousy is a real relationship breaker and unless you find ways to fight this in you, you will surely end up ending your relationship.

Trust and Understanding

Build a platform of long-time relationship based on real trust and understanding. Unless you truly trust the person you love and understand the reason for your separation, you will find your relation on the rock. Conflicts will not only arise from you and your partner but also from other people.

With trust and understanding comes honesty and confidence. It just follows naturally that when one is honest and loyal to a partner, he gains much confidence in himself or herself. With this confidence, you can give your trust and understanding to your partner. But if you are the type that plays on the role of infidelity, you will never learn to trust and understand your partner. In life, attitudes always reciprocate itself. What you are doing to others will be shown back to you.

Homesickness and Loneliness

Homesickness also eats a large part of your brain. When you are longing for someone whom you can't see, your head will automatically goes back to what your partner is probably doing at the moment. If you are a positive thinker, you will be thinking of good memories but if you belong to other side of the attitude chart, you will start feeling paranoid, doubtful, jealous and ready to go into battle anytime he calls to communicate with you. It's funny to look back for reasons after each fight but as you look back, you will see that the reason that you had been fighting for is actually not with breaking the relationship which you long established.

Commit to a Healthy End Plan

A serious relationship means nothing with the absence of a real commitment. Feeling is unpredictable and may change any moment when subjected to various situations. Only real commitments can put a seal to whatever emotions and communications you had invested in your relationship.

In every healthy relation, especially serious ones, you need to have a goal. Your situation maybe is on a temporary basis but don't expect this to last for long. It may end up sooner than you expect. Create an end plan as soon as you can. Set this on a goal that can justify the stress or homesickness of being a part. When you work on a goal, it is set on a target and a specific time frame. It had a duration period. Commitment of both partners must be based on this. Think of and plan that will put an end to all the sacrifices. If you are not married, set a scheduled plan for marriage before you can go on with another plan longer than what you had started. What is important here is the fact that this plan will bind you both into a commitment and security for your successful, healthy relationship.

Distance is detrimental to every relationship. For a long distance relationship to survive, it takes both partner to have a deeper commitment that entails sacrifices. However, aside from these two factors, you need to know more of the behind-the-scene situations for you to be able to help secure your relationship.

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Wasting Your Life - Staying Together When Love Slips Away

Wasting Your Life - Staying Together When Love Slips Away
By Alexa Keating

It was 6:00 AM, again; time to start another day like the last day and every day. They rolled over and looked at each other; their eyes never meeting. Slowly, quietly and without fanfare, their love for each other had slipped away. Neither really saw the other. Their life was a routine.

She to get the children up, rush to make their breakfast and he to get dressed for work and drop them at the bus stop. There was talk, but little conversation. Just two adults seemingly programmed to perform the same tasks every day at the same time in the same house. As the door slammed and the house grew quiet, she began the daily process of cleaning up and getting dressed for her own job.

She was barely aware of the tears that fell from her eyes, dropping to the polished wood floors, shimmering like broken glass. She brushed them away; they were becoming more and more frequent and bothersome. Nothing had precipitated them; they just came every day now. She hurried to get dressed for work.

He dropped the children at the bus stop and maneuvered into the traffic, a daily routine so established he had begun to memorize the faces of the drivers of the cars he encountered. A long sigh escaped from him. He was tired, already. He had grown accustomed to feeling this way... trapped, helpless, maybe even hopeless. Sometimes he wondered what had happened, wondered when he had begun to stop dreaming about anything. He could vaguely remember being excited about approaching weekends, ball games, going shopping with his family... anything that used to be normal. It was gone. He didn't even know what was gone, but something was. The answer drifted into his mind, startling him out of the stupor he existed in these days. He simply did not care anymore.

It was necessary now to examine what he no longer cared about; not his children, not his job, not his friends. It was her, his wife. The growing realization that this was true was shocking to him. There was no big fight, nothing had really even changed. They had just slowly drifted apart, so far apart that he could barely remember being in love with her. It was shocking to acknowledge this. Their love had just slipped away; he knew they could not get it back. He knew he had to man up and say it out loud, to tell her; it was a sobering thought.

She walked into her office and closed the door quickly; her responses to the "Hello's" from her co-workers had grown clipped and unnatural. She knew she was becoming cynical; today she had realized why. The years had passed and passed, nothing had really changed, yet everything had changed. She sat in her chair and whispered to herself, "I don't want to spend any more of my life waiting to feel better, wishing things would get better, growing more and more jaded, just wasting year after year existing instead of living." She knew her life appeared perfect to many, yet she was miserable. So much so that she had grown accustomed to the tears that fell so frequently she explained them away as allergies.

They had a nice family, a nice home, a nice life. Yet there was no life there. She knew what she had to do; she knew it would cause so much upheaval and so many changes in her life and the children's lives. It was frightening, even though she saw the way out, she thought about turning around and going back to what she was planning on leaving. All those tears; she wondered if it wasn't a lot like trying to pour raindrops right back into the clouds they had fallen from; to what end? For more of the same, to look back and know that all those years had gone by just wasted; just doing time because she was afraid to make a change?

They had drifted so far apart that neither of them had wondered, for even a moment, if the other was feeling the same way. Their discussion that night was simple and straightforward. They were surprised that they both felt the same way, that there was nothing to even explain about how this had happened. They both understood precisely what had happened.

They sat down with the children, expecting an emotional meeting as they explained that they were divorcing and he was moving out. The two children sat quietly and unemotionally; the oldest finally commented out loud. "We thought you would have done that a couple of years ago."

The only real surprise was that they had not even been aware that all of their emotions, all of the love they had begun with had simply slipped away, never to be retrieved. All those years had gone by, just wasted.

Life is precious, they both acknowledged this; too precious to consciously accept a life devoid of love, shared joy or passion. Sometimes, letting go is the only available option. They began the arduous task of dismantling the fa�ade that had been their life. For them, holding on had caused the pain; letting go was the beginning of real healing.

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Altruism Vs Egotism

Altruism Vs Egotism
By Don Ray Crawford

INTRODUCTION:

H.P. Blavatsky, the co-founder of the International Theosophical Society, in her monumental writings states that if altruism was to replace the current egotism of our society civic evils and national problems would disappear overnight. The whole purpose of the Theosophical Society is to promote universal brotherhood. Its motto is: "There is no religion higher than truth." According to the tenets of the TS, the whole universe is a Whole, of which all manifested forms, including ourselves, is only a part; like the various waves that arise out of the ocean of wholeness.

DISCUSSION:

In stating her ideas regarding social reform, she emphasized that genuine changes cannot come about by the usually applied methods of legislation, special group goals, or by any other external (societal) means. Society can only change by changes wrought in individuals themselves, hopefully by being influenced by those few wiser thinkers among us. These changes must come from within by meditation or self-study, which can bring about self-actualization; the first step to truly knowing thyself, as the Oracles of the Delphi advocated centuries ago. The problems engendered in our society, which is by definition a collection of individuals, come from ignorance of our true being. Western religion teaches separateness, which is to the occultist, the "great illusion." It is this egotistical identity of each of us that brings about in our many relationships conflicts, confrontations, emotional upheavals, and selfish disregard for the welfare of others, stemming from ignorance and a failure to realize we are all connected and each soul is a part of the Over-soul, which holds us all together.

The same problems that exist between individuals also exist between nations, which share time and space on this little globe, earth, in our solar system. The sun shines on each of us equally. We all breathe the same atmospheric oxygen; all drenched by the same rain. And, in the eyes of God, each of us is equal, although we are not all equal in soul age or the level of consciousness achieved. Karma plays a role in our differences. But what western humanity needs to discover is that we each create our own futures by every thought, feeling and action we allow ourselves to experience. What is needed, and what comes from self-study, or what is sometimes called, wakefulness, is the realization we are the creators of every thought form we allow to enter into our heads; that our so-called, unsolvable problems are of our own making, and that it is just as easy, and far more relaxing, to love our neighbors than be in conflict with them. A sense of altruism is a far more realistic guide to right human relationships than is a sense of separation and egotism.

Karma results from the creation of disharmonies both within the self and between self and others. This contrasts dramatically with the aspects of our solar Logos, whose manifested forms are Love, Harmony, and Compassion. In order to work off past karma and avoid creating more karma, we need to learn to live in accordance with the Will of God, manifest and personify in our daily actions, Love, Harmony and Compassion for all other forms we share on this planet.

CONCLUSION:

Only by a change of individual attitude and overcoming our ignorance of who we are can we change society for the benefit of all living creatures. Self-knowledge helps us to realize and pass beyond who we think we are to the discovery of who we truly are. And, who we truly are, are sparks of the universal Divine flame of Life, Love and Harmony. It is only our sense of being separate beings, apart from the whole of all existence, that churns our daily efforts to want to be "somebody" in the eyes of society; that leads to undesirable ambitions for wealth and power over others, and to live the "good life" of material well-being, instead of the wiser choice to "live in spiritual being," and prepare ourselves for the real purpose of our existence on this planet. The only purpose of evolution, that medium through which the solar Logos manifests, is the continual and gradual expansion of our human consciousness and the overcoming of human ignorance and cease allowing ourselves to follow false beliefs which serve as guides for daily living. The Christ modeled for us the proper way to righteous living and "living in spiritual being." To live in Harmony, with Goodwill toward others, to Love all manifested forms, and have compassion for others, is the core of true altruism and what is considered "good." To create disharmonies, ill will toward others and engage in continual conflicts and dissensions is considered "evil. In other words, to abide by the Will of God and not our little wills, is to simply accept the inevitable and quit bucking against the flow of evolution. As it is written in Buddhism: "Evil swells the debt to pay; Good delivers and acquits; follow good, shun evil; hold sway over thyself; that is the way."

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Do You Have To Fit In?

Do You Have To Fit In?
By Natalie Jovanic

Behind the house, there were some hills covered with green grass and huge trees that gave shade when the sun was hot. The air was clean and fresh. I took a deep breath; it felt like a blessing after having spent all summer in Barcelona's sticky and humid heat. I was in the south of France. My first holidays since three years. There were about ninety people, most of them were French; some Spanish or German. I would spend the next ten days with them to meditate. I had never seen them before and felt nervous and insecure. How would it be to stay together for such a long time? How will I manage to cope with this situation?

The bell was ringing. 6 am - it was time to get up and go for the first meditation. I awkwardly crawled out of my dormitory bunk, brushed my teeth and went downstairs to the temple where we meditated. I smiled at the people at the entrance. They returned a grim look. I sat down on my zafu - the meditation cushion - and meditated. Some bird's song broke the silence every once in a while. Then, the sun rose as an amazing red ball shining directly into my face. It was a beautiful morning.

After the meditation, we went for a silent walk. I just felt happy and light. I could feel the smile on my face. The people around me walked with severe faces. For a moment, I thought whether it was inappropriate to smile. Nobody else seemed to do it. The following days, I always had a smile on my face while the others were distant and grim. I started to feel guilty and questioned myself. Was my smiling appropriate? Was there something wrong with me? Did I need to be serious because everyone else was it? One part of me feared to be criticized and rejected. What should I do? I went for a walk alone. From a distance, the people were small little dots. Why should I give up on smiling? I couldn't find a reason. I was enjoying the meditation as I always did. What was the worst thing to happen? Maybe I'd stay alone for the retreat. I could cope with this. I decided to stay true to myself and to resist my urge to adapt.

Two days later, I sat down at a different table for breakfast. I looked at the people who surrounded me. The energy at the table was joyful. We couldn't talk, yet we communicated with eye contact and smiled at each other. From that day, we spent each meal together. On the last day, a lovely elder lady from this table came to me. We hadn't talked a lot because I couldn't speak French, and she only spoke a little bit of Spanish. She gave me a flower and said, "Thank you for your smile." Suddenly, I was very happy that I hadn't listened to my fears. I didn't connect with many people but with the right ones. And I had released my survival strategy to fit in that has accompanied me since my childhood.

What are your survival strategies to fit in?

Sometimes, we learn difficult lessons in life, and we try hard to fit in. We also live in a society that tells us that there is only one standardized way to be or live. I was used to adapting and fitting in. Many years, I believed that it was the only way to be accepted and appreciated. I feared to show up as I was. I gave in to the pressure of my family or partner and fulfilled their expectations. However, with this strategy, I didn't allow myself to experience true belonging. I also didn't allow me to be happy. Belonging requires showing your true self, even if your knees may be shaking at first. You can never control what the other person will do. They may like you or hate you. That's up to them. But the people who like you as you are, are the ones you belong to.

This retreat also taught me another precious lesson. Maybe you can't see the right people at first but if you stay true to yourselves and show up the right people will find you. The nice French lady stayed in contact with me and sent me a picture she had painted that showed my smile. I felt very grateful for this present. And we are all looking for lasting bonds that nurture and support us, aren't we?

How about you?

• Do you want to belong?
• Where do you still work hard to fit in?
• How could you change this?

@women: Are you frustrated in your relationship? Get the FREE eBook "7 Questions to Show You if Your Man is the Right Match."

Natalie supports - as a Relationship Mentor - women worldwide to become courageous, compassionate and conscious in their relationships. Through their collaboration, they are empowered to face their challenges, develop new behaviours and become whole. They avoid the traps from the past and emerge as relationship heroines - happier and stronger women, proud of their scars and ready for a fabulous relationship.

She is the author of the memoir A Brave True Story.

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Is The Fear Of Being Abandoned Causing You To Put Up With People Who Are Controlling?

Relationships: Is The Fear Of Being Abandoned Causing You To Put Up With People Who Are Controlling?
By Oliver JR Cooper

There is a big difference between wanting to experience a sense of control over one's life, and wanting to control other people. When one experiences a sense of control over their life, it means that they're not going to feel as though they have no control and as though they are a victim.

This is going to allow one to feel empowered, as opposed to feeling as though things just happen and there is nothing they can do. As a result of this, their experience on this earth is going to be far more rewarding than if they were to feel completely powerless.

However, if one feels as though they have no control, it is going to be a challenge for them to enjoy life. What does or doesn't happen in their life is going to be seen as something that is out of their control.

Controlling Behaviour

In fact, when one doesn't feel as though they have any control in life, it can cause them to want to control other people. Controlling others is then a way for them to experience a sense of control.

But although it can look as though they want to control other people, controlling others is just a way for them to regulate how they feel. What they do to the people in their life is then a means to an end, and not something that is personal.

Impersonal

The people who come into contact with someone who is controlling are then going to find it hard to be themselves. This could mean that one is repelled by them or it could be something that draws them in.

If one is repelled by this kind of behaviour, it won't be a problem, but if this is something that one is drawn to, it is going to affect their wellbeing. And even though the other person's behaviour is impersonal, it won't make any difference.

Normal

For some people, it doesn't matter where they are in the world or how a relationship begins, as they will have a tendency to attract people who're controlling. This is then something that is normal and therefore the rule, as opposed to the exception, in their life.

They might believe that everyone is the same and this could cause them to feel hopeless. One might be close to people who're also in the same position and this could cause them to believe that everyone is the same.

Two Options

One could believe that they only have two options; the first option is to be in a relationship and to be controlled, and the other option is for them to avoid relationships. It then won't matter what option they choose, as they're likely to end up feeling frustrated.

This is not to say that there is anything wrong with not being in an intimate relationship, but if one is not having them to avoid being controlled, it is it naturally going to cause problems. Just as if one avoids relationships in general to stop themselves from being controlled, it is also going to lead to problems.

Trapped

So, as the need to connect with other human beings is not something that one can completely remove, they could find themselves in a relationship with someone who is controlling. And even though they feel trapped and have the need to leave the relationship, they might feel as though it is not possible for them to leave.

In the back of their mind could be how they felt when they were not in an intimate relationship and this then causes them to stay with the other person. It is then painful for them to stay with them, but they believe that it will be even more painful if they were to leave them.

More Than A Belief

To stay that they believe it will be more painful for them to leave would be an understatement; as from their experiences of being alone, they will know how painful it is. And because of how painful it is for them to be alone, being around someone who is controlling is the lesser of two evils.

On one side they can be in a relationship and feel controlled, or they can leave the relationship and end up feeling abandoned. As an adult, it is not possible for another person to abandon them, but just because someone is physically an adult, it doesn't mean they feel like one.

Abandonment

During ones early years, one didn't have the ability to regulate their emotions; so if they were left by their caregiver/s, it would have felt like the end of the world and as though they were going to die. And though being neglected during these early moments in one's life, it would have affected their ability to regulate their emotions as an adult.

Not only that, the pain that one experienced through being abandoned during their childhood would have stayed trapped in their body. As they were abandoned during these years, there wouldn't have been anyone around to allow them to process how they were feeling and so, they would have had to disconnect from their body to avoid the pain.

And in order to avoid being abandoned, it would have set one up to do everything they can to please others. One could believe that if they had a voice of their own, it would cause other people to leave them.

Reliving The Past

So if one was to leave someone who is controlling, it would trigger this early pain. This could cause one to regress and to see the other person as they would have seen their caregiver at the time - as the only person who has the ability to take their pain away.

Leaving someone who is controlling is then what one wants to do on one level, but if they do leave them their emotional experiences of the past are going to re-appear. Based on this, it is easy to see why people stay in controlling relationships and go back to them.

Awareness

All the time this emotional pain remains in one's body, it is going to be more or less impossible for them to not only attract healthy relationships, but to feel comfortable with them. And along with feeling abandoned, one can also be carrying the following feelings in their body: grief, loss, hopelessness, helplessness, shame and death.

These emotional experiences of the past that have remained frozen in one's body will need to be faced and released. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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If Love Is Painful

If Love Is Painful
By Natalie Jovanic

"I am ready for a new relationship", she said. "You may help me with this."

"O.k. Tell me more about your past relationships," I asked her.

"I had some relationships. I deeply loved them. But it never lasted long. I had to leave them. It was just too painful. They had so much baggage of their past," she continued her story.

While she spoke, I could sense the pain. When she had finished, I said:

"Listening to your story, I hear that you speak about great love and deep pain. It seems as if there is a connection. What makes you connect love with so much pain?"

Silence. Suddenly, she had tears in her eyes. "It's about my parents. Love was painful," she paused and took a breath. "I never saw this connection before. Now, I am ready to release it. I want to connect love with joy." She smiled softly. Now, she was ready to experience love in a different way.

How do you experience love?

Love is a feeling, and your childhood shapes the way how you experience it. If you connect love with positive feelings like joy, you are unlikely to read this post. But what if you connect it with pain or struggle?
It's something you should look at and heal with self-compassion. You can't change the past, but you can create a better future. Take care of this little child within you that has lived through so much pain in love. Her childhood wasn't easy. She has experienced suffering. Her parents may never have been able to give her the love she needed.

And you are a beautiful woman now, and you can give her the love she deserves. She won't receive this from anybody else. Only you can give it to her. This way she can stop to look for love in painful places. The more you nurture the relationship with your inner child with compassion, the more you will free yourself from the influences of the past. Why should you change this? I know that you were an innocent child. You didn't deserve to experience love as pain. But you can't change the past. You can only create a better future. Healing isn't obligatory. It's a choice. I walked many years on the painful path until I decided to change. Going a new path is uncomfortable and sometimes frightening. As human beings, we love our comfort zone. We may sometimes even prefer the pain we know instead of trying something new. But before you decide what to do, just consider for a moment:

How would your life change if you were lucky in love? What if love were a source of happiness and joy? Isn't this perspective worth to give it a try?

@women: Are you frustrated in your relationship? Get the FREE eBook "7 Questions to Show You if Your Man is the Right Match."

Natalie supports - as a Relationship Mentor - women worldwide to become courageous, compassionate and conscious. Through their collaboration, they are empowered to face their challenges, develop new behaviours and become whole. They avoid the traps from the past and emerge as relationship heroines - happier and stronger women, proud of their scars and ready to meet a great man.

She is the author of the memoir A Brave True Story.

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It Is the Relationship Journey That Counts

It Is the Relationship Journey That Counts
By Nathalie Himmelrich

Today in a client' session I heard myself say: A happy relationship with your partner might be your goal but it is not the purpose of (relationship) life. Let me explain.

The journey that counts

The famous quote "It's not the destination but the journey that counts" leaves some questions unanswered:

• What is on the journey?
• What specifically counts as part of the journey
• What does it really mean?

Quotes are nice but often leave a lot to personal interpretation. Let's have a look at that quote in relation to your relationship life.

Relationship struggles

Whether intimate, casual or relationships with siblings, parents, friends, colleagues, or employers - relationship are seldom easy. Even the best of friends struggle with each other, have misunderstandings or fights.

This is normal and to be expected.

Relationships, and specifically the closer they are, have the potential within themselves to trigger and bring up any unresolved issues.

On your journey with relationship you will encounter struggles, sooner or later, if you are not just leaving any relationship before it gets close enough.

You see Mum and Dad

"Whatever you do, where ever you go, you see Mum and Dad and they see you." This quotes describes transference we deal with in life on a daily basis. The person you meet might remind you of your mother or father, consciously or unconsciously and you are challenged with similar topics to those of your relationship with mother or father.

You receive the chance to finish up the business you still have open (=left unfinished) between you. These are the stops along your relationship life, which will allow you to grow personally, no matter who you are in relationship with and learning the lesson.

What's the connection between relationships and the purpose of life?

In intimate relationship, specifically with the person we feel closest, we want to be happy, understood, seen, appreciated, nurtured, loved, admired, listened to... basically have the our needs met. The goal might be this ultimate relationship. The purpose however is that the same. The purpose of your intimate relationship is to heal those wounds that have been left unattained. To become aware of them, we are triggering each other's sore points (=wounds), mostly without mal-intent or conscious knowledge.

Wounds you will encounter

There are only a few basic wounds or topic that the issues you're facing will fall under:

• Rejection
• Abandonment
• Humiliation
• Betrayal (of trust)
• Injustice

Some of those five wounds will interact or be experienced in combination.

In fact, it does not even really matter who you are relating to. If you can embrace the purpose of learning and growing while relating, any relationship will make a lot more sense.

Want to know more? Have a look at my website.

Nathalie Himmelrich is the founder of 'Reach for the Sky Counselling & Coaching' and specialises in Relationship Transformation and Grief Support. She is working with individuals and couples using techniques ranging from Meta Coaching, Transformational Counselling, Neuro Linguistic Programming to Journey Therapy. She supports clients in their personal growth in a supportive and professional environment. She is also the author of the book 'Grieving Parents - Surviving Loss As A Couple'.

Visit the website or sign up for our newsletter today.

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How To Stop Analyzing A Man To Bring Him Closer Than Ever

How To Stop Analyzing A Man To Bring Him Closer Than Ever
By Helena Hart, M.A.

I get emails from women every day telling me that even when things are generally going well in their relationship, they still catch themselves feeling uneasy, over-thinking things and analyzing their man's every move at times - which seems to do the OPPOSITE of bring him close, it actually pushes the man further away on a very deep, subconscious level.

Women always ask me if men can tell when we analyze their words and actions or try to "figure them out" - and they want to know how to stop doing this so they can get back to feeling normal again.

I believe men can absolutely tell when we're too focused on them because it comes out in our vibe. Whether it's in the tone of our voice or the energy behind how we respond to text messages - men are extremely sensitive to this and pick up on it subconsciously.

Analyzing everything a man says or does (or DOESN'T say or do) is MENTALLY leaning forward - and what you want to do instead is lean back and inspire him to come close to YOU.

That's what will build a deep attraction with a man - since men value what they have to work for, just like we do!

If you're having a hard time staying "cool" because you're over-thinking things or trying to figure a man out, think of what a supremely confident women would do and feel in this situation - the kind of woman that men go crazy for.

That kind of woman wouldn't care so much about what he's saying, doing or not doing - since her focus would be on her own life, she wouldn't even be thinking about a man who's not right in front of her. In her mind, it's up to the man to impress HER and win her over.

Taking your focus completely OFF of a man is what creates the space for him to come towards you.

If a man's energy isn't coming towards you, what you want to do is pull your energy OFF of him. In order to do that, you're going to have to find some other things to do that will completely absorb you and occupy your time, energy, and attention.

See if you can "channel" that super confident woman inside of you when you catch yourself getting too focused on a man. This will make you unbelievably attractive to him - and cause him to instinctively want to more TOWARDS you. I know you have that energy somewhere inside of you because that's what likely attracted him (and other men) in the first place!

If you REALLY want to create feelings of intense love and desire with a man, visit www.helenahartcoaching.com. You can instantly download your FREE eBook copy of "3 Keys To Attract The Man You Want" and book a FREE 30-minute coaching session with me!

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Are You Stuck in One-Way Relationships?

Are You Stuck in One-Way Relationships?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

One of the common complaints I hear from my clients is that they listen well but they end up just listening and never being heard.

This is the issue that Ginger wrote to me about.

"I often find myself trapped in the role of being a good listener and of not being able to be honest about my own needs to be heard. I start watching for a chance to present myself and get annoyed inside if the person doesn't take an interest in me, after I have given them a lot of attention.

I always start by offering them the gift of listening. I assume that they will reciprocate. Fine if they do. Often they don't and I find myself wanting to direct the focus towards myself but feel constrained and trapped by politeness - I give myself away and this leads to feeling deflated and negative about myself and an inappropriate level of anger with the other person. How do you manage when you are with someone who is hogging the conversation?"

Ginger also stated that she grew up with a mother who taught her that her lovability depended on her being tuned into her mother's feelings, rather than to herself, which is one of the signs of a narcissistic mother.

Have you had this experience? I certainly have. I also had a narcissistic mother who wanted me to listen to and understand her but had no interest in listening to or understanding me. Growing up in a one-way relationship with a self-absorbed parent primes you to be the listener and to ignore your own feelings and needs.

When I'm in this situation, I first tune into my own feelings. Am I feeling bored? Disconnected with the other person? Is my inner child feeling neglected by me in allowing this to continue?

Then I go to my Guidance to learn what would be loving to me. Is it loving to move into an intent to learn with the other person about why this is happening? Is this relationship important enough to me to pursue resolving this issue, or would it be best for me to find a way to lovingly disengage? If I'm in a restaurant with someone and I can't just walk away, and I don't think the person would be open to exploring the issue with me, do I just reassure my inner child that I won't put her in this situation again, and try to end the meal as soon as possible?

If the other person keeps bringing the conversation back to them and my Guidance says to move into an intent to learn, I might say, "I'd really like to connect with you, but I'm finding it hard when you keep bringing the conversation back to you. There must be a good reason you do this and I'd like to understand it."

If the other person is going on and on with a monologue - not even giving me a chance to respond, and my Guidance tells me to move into an intent to learn, I might say, "I'd really like to connect with you but I can't when you talk non-stop. I'd like a dialogue, not a monologue. There must be a good reason you are doing this and I'd like to understand."

If my inner sense and my higher Guidance let me know that it's unlikely this person is going to be open, then I might spend some time in the restroom and then cut the meal short. Or, I might find a place of compassion in me for both myself and the other person - who is abandoning his or her inner child and pulling on me for attention - and compassionately listen. I let my inner child know that it is not her responsibility to take care of anyone's abandoned inner child, but that compassionately listening is what is currently in our highest good.

This is what works for me. You might want to explore what would work for you if you find yourself in a one-way relationship.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding� healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

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Forgive Them, For They Know Not What They Do

Forgive Them, For They Know Not What They Do
By Steve Wickham

THIS WRANGLES with our pride: people presuming they: 1) know what's going on for us in our experience; 2) think they know what we are thinking; 3) can give us advice when perhaps we just don't need it. Yet, such a pride is veiling the truth. Some people are out of step with how to discern and deliver upon love. For, love has as its precursor - the other person and what they need. Love is not about the person doing the loving; it's all about the object of the affections - the subject before each one of us.

But the reality of this life is harsh. We are likely to need to suffer the fool gladly. That person is trying their best to love us, even if, in doing that, they transgress love.

We are to be full of grace. Yet such grace is nothing if not a miracle if it isn't worked on incessantly for months and months and months.

Character growth is always a slow process. Particularly in the processes of 'sandpaper ministry', as we rub each other up the wrong way we tend to say things that people find hard to bear; they say things that we find, equally, that grate.
And, yet, few of us would perturb others deliberately.

When Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing," he prayed such a relevant prayer that finds itself pertinent in many of our situations.

We often do not know in the moment of our transgressions what our transgressions are or how they affect those impinged. We know this is true by the amount of times others put their foot in it, when it comes to us, without wishing to.

Grace comes into its own when we find that we are no longer irritated by the ignorant offerings of the uninformed.

If we are to forgive the common person their common transgression we will find ourselves being forgiven.

As we forgive the situations that seem to thwart us - as we are given to a moment's surreal sense in the sweeping tide of temptation to anger - we are practicing such a God-anointed character trait. It's no good trying hard to our own exasperation. It's myriads better to contemplate really feeling love toward those we have forgiven.

***

Forgiving a transgression with understanding is like a prayer to receive that same understanding when we are the transgressor.

Forgiveness understands the common human frailty and extends the wisdom of God in making such wisdom personally accessible.

Forgiveness, hence, is the wisdom of God, so those who forgive borrow righteousness.

Forgiveness is the wisdom of God. Resentment is the bitterness of humanity's folly.

� 2014 S. J. Wickham.

Steve Wickham is a Baptist pastor who holds Degrees in Science, Divinity, and Counselling. Steve writes at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com.au/ and http://tribework.blogspot.com.au/

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Smart Career Women Can Have Conscious Relationships

Smart Career Women Can Have Conscious Relationships
By Debrah Mathis

Last year, I turned 50, but didn't have a big celebration because I was too busy with work. In hindsight, I can see that while my career as a corporate professional flourished, my intimate relationships have taken a severe beating. Married twice-- at ages 19-21 and then 40-44 and later ended up as a single mother.

Am I alone in the choices I have made? Apparently not, as I work with countless of other smart, successful career women who are living together with their partners like roommates, in business-like marriages, or involved in complex relationships portrayed in popular TV shows SCANDAL, Being Mary Jane and Mistresses who want a difficult, and not a normal, love.

What Is Really Going On?

So what does all this mean? At the root of the problem lays the fact that many women with "book smarts" have a dangerously low EQ (emotional intelligence quotient). Simply put, this would explain why intelligent, witty women often become fools in love.

Back in 2006, Michael Noer created shock waves when he wrote a piece in Forbes Magazine warning men of marrying career women. He claimed that recent studies had found that smart, professional women were more likely to get divorced or cheat, and less likely to have children. In addition, the American Journal of Marriage and Family cited studies that claim the divorce risk rises when women out-earn their husbands. Widespread evidence seems to suggest that thousands of bright women can't sustain meaningful relationships for many reasons: too controlling, inability to tolerate less successful men and equally, men resentment of their higher-earning partners.

So why are so many career women experiencing this conundrum?

Pride Comes Before A Fall

Women have been ashamed to admit that they put pride before their feelings and later realized how much damage this has caused their relationships. Dr. Robert Holden, author of Success Intelligence, is at the cutting edge of psychological relationship research and offers the following explanation: "To have a successful relationship, you have to develop EQ which is emotional empathy and a respect for each others feelings. Without the engagement of the head and the heart, relationships are not a safe place to be, but the smart woman is headstrong enough to tell herself that she will be able to make this work.

In other words, we fall at the first hurdle because we've been conditioned to bypass our God-given intuition and it gets us into trouble. Case in point, my intuition sent off warning bells that landed me in ER for a severe panic attack before my wedding ten years ago to my second ex, only to realize with clarity that I had married the wrong man - again. At the time, I kind of knew that the marriage was doomed but convinced myself that with our religious upbringings "I" could make it work.

How to Change Your Modus Operandi

Let's be honest, most of us high IQ girls aren't very happy. Often we are the real victims because we just accept that any romantic situation is OK, when in reality it's not. We have gotten used to wearing this very confident fa�ade that is really to disguise our fear of not being in charge and lack of self-acceptance. So, we become relationship jumpers because "there was no love there and he didn't stimulate me", "we rushed into it too quickly without knowing each other", or "he was my rebound guy". The truth is, our identities become intertwined in what we do at work.

So career women tend to approach their relationships like a career development plan for Mr. Right. Consider this:

• What energy vibes are you leading with when you meet a guy? Do you find the energy signals you give are at complete odds to what you are feeling?

• I don't want you to meet my children, family, social, or work tribe

• I'm seeing other men so I don't want you to get too close

• I'm a financially self-sufficient woman with (kids) career and only need a man for sex

Men can find these energy vibes to be incredibly emasculating. When men respond by being detached, our emotional side kicks in and we wonder - why isn't he falling in love with me?

Getting to Happy

What advice can I give to successful career women who are often (secretly) unhappy and unsuccessful in love?

• Be willing to admit when you've got it wrong

• Leave your dominance and competitiveness in the office

• Don't love carelessly or unconsciously

• Stop playing the victim role and master your "ideal" role

• Stop approaching relationships as business deals or projects

Finally, work on developing your EQ. This is absolutely essential because it determines the quality of your relationships with others. It is unreasonable and unhealthy to expect other people to love you more than you love yourself. Learn to have emotional strength that is about surrender, openness and a willingness to let go of energy that is draining you.

For too long, women like me and others have spent our best energy building our careers and failed to realize that integrating the emotional and intuitive side of life is just as important. Whether you are in your 30s, 40s, or 50s, the time is now to wake up -- use your head and intuition. Test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, and not some sentimental gush.

Debrah Mathis, is a single mother, entrepreneur, dog-lover, world-class Christian life purpose coach, energy leadership expert and relationship management strategist who works with women how to discover for themselves a new way to love appropriately, live energetically, build an empowered legacy to live well and decide what matters most. She is also enjoying a conscious relationship with her guy.

Visit http://www.EngagetoSuccess.com.

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How to Forgive Anyone Anything

How to Forgive Anyone Anything
By Kathi Calahan

Trying to justify my resentment, anger and hatred was not worth the price of my health, nor is it worth yours.

Today I have not only survived, but thrived and I'll show you how I did it.

Resentment is a latin word meaning to feel anger over and over. Like a poison, it shoots adrenalin into our bodies, raises our blood pressure and begins weakening the cells of our bodies, allowing cancer and any number of diseases to mutate in our weakened cells. I know this to be true because I hung on to anger like it was a life jacket and it nearly killed me.

But wasn't I justified?

Not if I wanted to live. Besides resentment having a physical effect on my body that nearly killed me, it hurt me in so many other ways.

• Divorce - I had no harmony to bring into a marriage. Only anger.
• Estrangement From My children - Resentment had so hardened my heart that I became mean and unforgiving and you know what they say about stuff rolling down hill.
• Unemployment - I took my anger out on people at work and could always justify my quitting over "their" wrong actions. But it was really my anger history that disrupted my work.
• Alcoholism - Besides it being an inherited disease, my inability to deal with stress was a contributing factor to hiding in alcohol.

I want to assure you that with God's help you can forgive anyone anything and you can stop allowing resentment to destroy your happiness.

Let me give you a few examples of some of life's biggest resentment-makers:

1. Abandonment: by parent, spouse or best friend.
2. Abuse: Physical, mental, emotional or sexual.
3. Betrayal: Cheating spouse or someone in authority.
4. Favoritism: Being overlooked for someone else's benefit, to your detriment.

I know you can think of many other causes that you've experienced that caused you to hold onto resentment much longer than you could have. But it's hurting you and it can kill you.

A hardened heart will prevent you from receiving God's healing.

Think about what Jesus had to forgive when he was dying on the cross. He had to forgive those who were taking his very life.

LUKE 23:34 Jesus said, Father forgive them; for they know not what they do.

I think there's something very important to learn from His last words.

• Realize that the perpetrator(s) of your pain are broken, and that broken people hurt others.
• When you're in trouble with resentment, pray and ask God to forgive the person who has hurt you.
• Ask that God then help you heal your resentment toward them. Your health will thank you for the effort.

From doing these simple three things I promise you'll be in an emotional state to begin forgiving your trespassers completely. If I can do it, you can do it too.

What I know today is that the person or people I've harbored resentment and yes, even hatred, toward are long gone on their happy way and I was left with a weakened body which compromised my health.

I hope you don't have to hang on to resentment so long that it makes you sick. Bur if you're already there, take an honest look at your resentments and realize your perpetrators were broken, ask God to forgive them and then ask Him to heal your resentments. Yes someone hurt you and yes it was painful, but you've got God's help and love to get you through this.

God will do for you what you've been unable to do for yourself so far. You never have to walk alone again.

I have two healing scriptures to leave you with that will help restore your happiness.

Romans 12:19 Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. (He will repay those who deserve it. You can rest easy.)

Jeremiah 30:17 For I will restore your health and I wi ll heal you of your wound. (God is the true healer.)

Let go and let God, because here comes your miracle. God loves you.

As you begin to heal you will find more room in your life for caring about others. For heirloom quality gift ideas for those you love please visit us at http://www.SpiritualWomanGifts.com We also have a free Spiritual Inspiration newsletter you can sign up for in the green box.

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How Will They Miss You?

How Will They Miss You?
By Steve Wickham

We live our lives in so much of a blur,
We have no idea of the cost we may incur,
When death makes its unpredictable stake,
Those left behind are left
With that unmistakable ache.
Staring back at that haunting scene,
Considering what on earth our lives have been,
We are left with an awesome opportunity,
To get in touch with our familial community.
When all's said and done, family count,
We hardly realise now just the amount,
We can save the regret if we make the effort now,
And leave them with memories all to endow.

***

Death is a cruel reality for the family man or woman that leaves loved ones behind.

What should haunt him or her - the idea that they leave behind a myriad of potential - and because of that will be sorely missed - doesn't really occur to them.

Most people think death won't happen to them. Everyone knows they'll die, but few people imagine that death stalks us all. We take for granted the breath in our lungs and the electricity in our hearts that keeps us alive. We focus so much on having enough for our retirement, yet we focus so little on the slim chance we mightn't make retirement.

This is not about being morbid. It's about making the most of our lives from a post-death viewpoint, so those regrets we might otherwise have will be few; so there is much less pain and more thankfulness for our lives from our loved ones.

***

If we live life more from the vantage point of our deaths, we gain much more meaning for a life well lived.

A life well lived must be a central purpose of life; a life of love, of peace, of joy.

***

How will they miss you? What is that you do now within your family that makes you indispensable? How do you operate in your community that people value you so?

We might think of the things we don't do that we should do. But what about the things we do actually do. Can we do them better? Can we gain an appreciation of what these things are and plan how they might be done if we weren't around?

Now is the time to make the difference you can make. Now is the time to be awake and aware. Now is the opportunity. Now is when we do what we should do.

� 2014 S. J. Wickham.

Steve Wickham is a Baptist pastor who holds Degrees in Science, Divinity, and Counselling. Steve writes at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com.au/ and http://tribework.blogspot.com.au/

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Under My Skin

Under My Skin
By Minka A Zii

Losing yourself inside of someone who never cared about you is worse than losing someone you care about. I am sad and wallow in my own darkness. I don't want or need someone else. I want him. Unfortunately I don't think he even cares and notices how I long for him.

Standing next to you and you don't seem to notice if am there or not. I know am not the only one but I don't care. I don't care that you want someone else or that you have some else. You can rub your relationship and your new love in my face but to me it is all just a passing phase. I believe in me, I believe in us.

He says "I will light up your mornings each passing day and if I don't show up, think of me as you are always in my heart". Am lost in his words and as much as I would love to believe them I know as soon as we part ways he is on to the next one, an innocent naive believer of romance and love just like me. A wounded soul I am.

Of course I want love and romance. We all want that one person who makes us feel us feel absolutely complete. The one person who makes everything makes sense when with them and you feel as if you can handle anything and take on a war just because they are beside you. I want to live and grow old with someone who understands me completely and loves me with all my strength and flaws.

I believe love is taking a person as they and not wanting to change a thing about the one you are with. It is growing old and wise together. Each passing day spent is a lesson learnt and appreciated. You may not always agree on the same issues, you may have different opinions on how we see things in various perspective but that is what love is;compromise.

I want that kind of love with him. I want us to be friends, confidants then lovers. I want us so badly but then I also want to find me. As much as I want us I am not going to wait my entire life for you to figure it out or read between the line. I am not going to stop living life the way I want or do things that make me happy.

I will be patient or at least try to be. If we never end up together as one and if we do fail to give ourselves the opportunity at least I know I held on to hope. I may not have accomplished my goal but I do know one thing, you were and will always be a significant part and puzzle in my life.

Off course I do want the everlasting kind of love. Love we see in films and read about. I am hopeful that one day I shall find my future love.

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What My Puppy Taught Me About Expectations in Relationships

What My Puppy Taught Me About Expectations in Relationships
By Katianna Pihakari

I adopted a puppy five days ago. I have to admit that it has been fun start to a new adventure!

On our first day together, this three-year old handsomeness recently named Tonza pointed out something to me: how strongly expectations will influence a new relationship, any new relationship.

When adopting a new pet, one might have some preconceived expectations about their new best friend and companion. I know I did! Typical expectations people might have of a new dog include:

• To become insta-friends with the new companion.
• To develop immediate mutual loyalty and trust.
• To expect the dog to live up to certain behavioral standards.
• To start enjoying sharing the good times starts upon leaving the animal shelter.
Along the road, these are reasonable expectations to have.

But every dog, like you and me and every other human, is different with their own characteristics, circumstances and dispositions. Each will react differently to the same environment and situation. Each person or animal has a different past, full of baggage and challenges. The bottom line is that your new friend has to learn to live with you as much as you have to learn to live with him. Like in any relationship, you will find that in some moments your expectations are exceeded while in other moments they are not quite met.

It is interesting to note that the experts on human relationships claim that currently the biggest problem in any relationship is expectations. Whether it is a romantic relationship, friendship or a professional one, we frequently expect a little too much too quickly. And that can spell disaster.

So how do you keep yourself from expecting too much too soon? How do you know when to hold on and when to let go? Experts say it all boils down to just a few old fashioned bylaws:

1. Don't rush but let the relationship deepen slowly.
2. Remain open to those who do not fit your 'ideal' not sacrificing your standards.
3. Think about what you bring to the relationship, not what you get from it.
4. Work through problems to have a stronger relationship in the end.
5. Have patience!

Managing your expectations will free you from getting caught up in heartbreak, frustration and distress. Relationships don't always go as we plan, but if we can learn to deal with our expectations, we can learn how to get the most out of each relationship around us.

I am so grateful for this reminder from my new companion Tonza about expectations. I am looking forward to more learning moments with him.

What is the most memorable lesson your pet has taught you?

Katianna Pihakari, the founder of Simply Dynamic Coaching, is an inspiring coach specializing in helping business executives and entrepreneurs in achieving their optimal performance under high stress environments. Contact Simply Dynamic today to discuss how your unique situation could be simplified and improved.

(c) Copyright - Simply Dynamic Coaching. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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Why Do Some People Have Affairs?

Relationships: Why Do Some People Have Affairs?
By Oliver JR Cooper

While there have always been people who have had affairs, it is probably easier than ever before to have one. This is because of modern-day technology and how the internet has given people the chance to find someone without even leaving their home.

One can then use their phone to keep in contact with the other person (or other people if there is more than one person) and this can allow them to keep it all hidden. So there is no need for someone to write letters or to even speak on the phone; it can all be done without needing to send anything physical and without needing to make a sound.

These things could still take place but they no longer need to, and this can lower the risk of one being found out. The internet has also made it possible for one to meet someone in another part of the country or even another country; thereby creating a safe distance from where they live.

Web Sites

There are normal dating sites and ones where one can go to that give them the chance to have an affair. So no matter what one's needs are, there is a site to take care of their needs. One doesn't even need to upload a picture and they can keep their identity hidden.

This will then give them the chance to talk to people in their area and to people who are further afield. Based on the research that these sites do, it has even been said that some places are worse than others when it comes to affairs.

The Traditional Way

However, one doesn't need to join an internet site in order to have an affair - they simply need to find someone in the 'real world'. One could meet someone on a night out or it could be someone who they work with.

Whoever this person is attracted to or who is there to take care of their needs can end up being the person who they end up having an affair with. And while they could be similar to the person one is with, they might be the complete opposite.

In The Beginning

There are going to be some people who are looking for someone else - it is on their mind and they are going to do everything they can to find someone. And then there are going to be some people who just seem to end up having an affair.

In this case, one wasn't consciously looking for someone but at a deeper level, they needed something. And as this need or a number of needs were not being met by the person they are with, the other person was seen as the solution to their problems.

Inner Conflict

What this can show is that one is experiencing inner conflict, and if their needs were being met, this wouldn't be the case. One could be aware of this conflict or they could deny what is taking place within them. Either way, it is still going to be defining their behaviour and they could soon be leading a double life.

Communication

So when it comes to people who have affairs, it is often a sign that there is a breakdown in communication. How one is not talking to their partner about what is going on for them and what their needs are.

Instead, one is talking to another person about what their needs are and looking for them to fulfil them. And what can make it easier for one to go with someone else is if they feel emotionally disconnected from their partner.

Emotionally Disconnected

If one felt emotionally connected to their partner it would be harder for them to have an affair. Having this connection is likely to mean that one talks to their partner and opens up. Each person is then in tune with each other and the need to look elsewhere is greatly reduced.

One can feel emotionally disconnected due to a number of reasons and this could be the result of what is happening externally and/or it could be the result of what is taking place within them.

Reasons

Perhaps one no longer feels attracted to the other person and that is why they no longer feel connected to them. Having an affair is then an unconscious attempt for them to end the relationship without having to face the pain of having to end it directly.

It could also be a relationship where there was no emotional connection to begin with. This could come down to the fact that they have a fear of intimacy and as soon as someone gets too close, they end up feeling smothered. Having an affair is then a way for them to feel free once more.

Adulthood Needs and Childhood Needs

The reason one feels smothered in their relationship could be because of the feelings that relate to their childhood are being triggered. Going with another person is then a way to regulate how they feel, but it won't do much more than that.

So if their current relationship was to end, their interest in the other person is also likely to end and this is because they would soon end up feeling smothered once more. One is then avoiding intimacy and unless they process their childhood pain and become emotionally available, they will continue to do so.

The Chosen Child

Another reason why one can have an affair is because they were 'the chosen child' during their childhood. This is also known as emotional incest. For man this is likely to relate to how his mother treated him, and for a woman it might have been her father. These early years would have been a time when one was given special treatment and used as a surrogate spouse.

This would have taken place because their caregiver's energy was not being direct towards someone their own age and was going towards them. One is then used to being the centre of attention and always having what they want.

Consequences

On one side this will have caused one to feel good but at the same time it would have felt uncomfortable. As an adult, one is going to have the need to be the centre of attention and to always feel special.

But while this was how they felt as a child, it is not going to be possible for them to always feel this was as an adult. In the beginning of a relationship this might take place but as time passes, this is going to wane. Having an affair is then a way for one to experience the honeymoon period or their childhood all over again.

Awareness

Ultimately, one will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs and then they will begin to see life through the eyes of an adult and not a child. They will no longer expect to feel special all the time or to be the centre of the other another person's universe. It will also enable them to be emotionally available

So these are just a few reasons why someone can have an affair. And while the assistance is out there, there is also the chance that they are not willing to embrace it.

If one is experiencing pain and having an affair is seen as the way for them to feel better, then this is what might take place. It can all depend on whether one is willing to talk to their partner and/or to get the assistance they need to work on what is creating conflict. The assistance of a therapist or a healer can provide the support that one needs.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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Is The Fear Of Being Abandoned Defining Who You Are Attracted To?

Relationships: Is The Fear Of Being Abandoned Defining Who You Are Attracted To?
By Oliver JR Cooper

Over the years, many points of view have been put forward as to what causes one person to be attracted to another. These have come from scientists, relationship experts and everyone in between.

And while some of these views can sound accurate and as though they reflect reality, it doesn't mean this is actually the case. Women are said to go for one thing and men for another and one doesn't need to look very far to see there are always exceptions.

Nevertheless, if one matches up with what is classed as attractive everything could be fine but if they don't, it could make them believe that they are therefore 'unattractive'. The first person is likely to end up feeling good about themselves and the second person could end up feeling hopeless.

Physical Appearances

While it is possible for one to change their behaviour or how they come across to others, the same can't always be said about their appearance. And as it is one's appearance that is often said to define whether they are attractive or not, there is only so much one can do.

Cosmetic surgery is gradually becoming more socially acceptable but even with surgery, there are limits. A woman can have breasts implants or have bottom implants and a man can have liposuction, for instance.

No Guarantees

If one doesn't look a certain way it is going to be normal for them to admire people who do have certain features. They could wonder what their life would be like if they looked the same and this could even go as far as them having cosmetic surgery.

And while being physically attractive can make one's life easier (it has been said that one's physical appearance can play a part in how far they go in their career and if they are charged or let off for a crime), it doesn't mean that one is going to have fulfilling relationships.

Men and Women

At this time, women have more options than men do when it comes to changing their appearance. And as men are more visual than women, this doesn't mean that men are therefore worse off.

For a man it is not so much about how he looks as it is about how he behaves. So while man can look right, if he doesn't behave right it is not going to make much difference. As for women, they can look a certain way but unless they value themselves and are emotionally together, they are not going to attract healthy men into their life.

More than Appearances

What this comes down to is the fact that one's physical appearance is just one part of the equation; the other part is what is going on inside them. For example: a car might look incredible, but unless the engine is up to standard it won't be going very far.

How a car looks will create attention but once one is in the car, it will all come down to how it runs. And the same could be said about people - how they look might create interest, but after a while it will come down to what else they have to offer.

Individual Requirements

However, if one is only looking for a surface level relationship and not one where they open up, it won't matter about what's inside as it will be all about appearances. In this case, how the other person makes one look and the image that they present to the world will be the only thing that matters.

Yet if one wants to have relationships that are real, it will be important for them to focus on what is taking place within them and not just how they look. Once one does feel comfortable on the inside, they might find it easier to accept how they look on the outside.

Attraction

On one side, there is how one is attracted to another person based on how they look and then there is how one can be attracted to someone because of how they feel. This is not to say that these two aspects are separate - what it means is that one's emotional needs can take precedence.

Here, one won't be focused on whether the other person looks right, as they will be consumed by their emotional needs. Although the ideal is for one's mind, heart and body to work together, this doesn't always take place.

Abandonment

When one feels emotionally centred they are going to be attracted to a certain type of person and when this is not the case, they are likely to be attracted to people who are completely different. So if one feels abandoned for instance, it could cause them to go with whoever is available.

Due to how powerful this feeling is, it might not matter what their mind says about the other person; they are in pain and they want of feel different. And while the other person will regulate how they feel, they could end up going with people who are far from healthy.

Short-term Solution

In the short-term, one will no longer feel abandoned but if this is the only reason why they are with the other person, there could be other problems that arise as time passes. The other person might not be compatible and they could end up being controlling or abusive.

This is partly because one is coming from a place of desperation and neediness. The people they attract are then likely to pick up on this at a deeper level and to see them as easy targets.

A Closer Look

It is often said that it is not possible for one to feel abandoned as an adult and how this only applies to a child. Yet, if one was neglected during their childhood and these emotional experiences have not been processed and have therefore remained trapped in their body, they can feel like they did all those years ago.

As a result of being left as a child, not only will one have felt abandoned, this would have affected their ability to regulate their own emotions (as it is through being regulated by one's caregivers that one develops the ability to regulate themselves). One is then in pain and no one is there to regulate how they feel, and as they can't regulate themselves, the pain would have ended up staying in their body.

Awareness

The years go by but one is still carrying the pain within them and they can't regulate how they feel. So it is only natural that they are going to be times when they find it hard to be discerning and end up being drawn to whoever is available.

These emotional experiences of the past will need to be faced as released and this takes place, one will gradually develop their ability to regulate their own emotions. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. They will also provide the positive regard that one didn't receive all those years ago and this is a vital part of the process.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

Feel free to join the Facebook Group -
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Choosing Your Battles Carefully

Choosing Your Battles Carefully
By Connie H Deutsch

When I was much younger, everything seemed so important and I argued passionately for so many issues. And then I got older and realized that most things are relatively unimportant.

If you're married or living with a roommate, who cares if the towels are folded this way or that way? In the larger scheme of things, who cares how the dishwasher is stacked or if the dishes are left in the sink? If your spouse were to suddenly die or become disabled, will these issues still seem important?

I have always argued to the death for my principles and that will never change. Don't ask me to violate my principles, not while I still have breath to argue for them and to try to do everything to defend them. But anything else? Not likely.

There is one other thing that is important enough for me to argue about. If you and I were married and you weren't a fiscally responsible person, I wouldn't allow my name to be on any legal documents that we shared. That means no bank loans, no house mortgage, no credit cards and, definitely, no joint bank accounts. In fact, I would do my banking in a different bank so that you would never have access to my accounts.

If you want to buy a house and I don't, you can buy it in your name and not put my name on the deed. You would be responsible for the mortgage payments and I would share utility bills and grocery bills, not much of anything else. Same thing if the reverse were true. If I wanted to buy a house and you didn't, the house would be in my name and I'd be responsible for the mortgage payments and the maintenance costs, and we would share the utility bills and groceries.

Couples often have different spending habits and core values. If you want to spend your money on what I call stupid things, that's your prerogative, but don't spend my money on those things. We'd have separate bank accounts and you can spend your money on anything you want; just don't touch my money or ask me to spend my money on things that I don't want.

Government is always spending my money on things that are not essential and that I don't want but, other than trying to vote those legislators out of office, there isn't much I can do about that.

Through the years, I have come to realize that most of the things that cause us unhappiness today, will not even be in our lives five or ten years from now. We will barely even remember them five or ten years from now so, nowadays, whenever something upsets me, I ask myself if this issue will still be important to me five or ten years from now, and if it won't, I make myself drop it and put my focus elsewhere.

Many of my clients have been with me thirty or forty years, so I have the benefit of having shared their fears and tears and, when they have different issues now, that are causing them extreme distress, I remind them about a person or about a situation from all those years ago. Most of them do remember the situation that I'm referring to but when I ask them if those people are important to them now, or if they are still stressing out over the same situation, so far, no one has said yes.

If those people and/or situations are not still in our lives five or ten years after the fact, how important could they have been? As long as we have free will, we can change the outcome of the various scenarios by using our creativity and whatever resources are at our disposal. As children, we don't have many options to extricate ourselves from painful situations but, as adults, we do.

We can only control just so much in our lives and no more. We can make healthy eating choices and exercise. We can meditate and not allow ourselves to be in toxic relationships. We can do everything within our power to eliminate the stress in our lives but we cannot control the world around us. The only thing we can control is ourselves and how we respond to the world around us.

Nowadays, when faced with an unpleasant situation that I can't control and can't do anything about, instead of getting angry, I ask myself if this argument is worth dying on the hill for. Time and distance have shown me that most of the time, the arguments that you thought were so important, are not worth dying on the hill for.

'Choosing Your Battles Carefully'
Connie H. Deutsch

International business consultant & personal advisor. Wrote weekly newspaper Advice Column for 16 years. Had her own weekly radio program & wrote scripts for weekly financial cable TV show. Written and produced 2 CDs on meditation and relationships and she has done coaching on customer service and employee relationships. Books: Whispers of the Soul/ A Slice of Life/ From Where I'm Sitting/ Reaching for the Brass Ring of Life/ View from the Sidelines/ Whispers of the Soul for the Rest of Your Life/ Purple Days and Starry Nights/ Here and There/ The Counseling Effect and co-authored "Getting Rich While the World Falls Apart," a free eBook on her website. Her website: http://www.conniehdeutsch.com

See more of her articles by clicking here ConnieHDeutsch

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