Don't Lose Yourself to Loss

Don't Lose Yourself to Loss
By Michael Hoare

Many of us view loss in a very limited way. We see it as the end of something, period. Seeing things in such a black and white way, i.e., a beginning and end, right and wrong, shadow and light, is at times helpful. But it can also be limiting and may bring unnecessary pain.

The limiting perspective that may come about from seeing life in this way also brings about a certain amount of expectation. We assume that because it happened a specific way last time it will happen that way again. And when it is different, we might experience disappointment or confusion. Of course, things can happen almost exactly like they did last time, but each year or each time you experience something, be it for the first time or the 10th time, it is different.

Allowing ourselves to know that each experience in life is different than the one before helps keep some of those expectations at bay, thus enabling us to see (or at least be aware) that it can be different this time.

Of course, there are certain circumstances in life that dictate when we take certain actions, we can expect certain results, such as: we buy something, bring it home and we expect it to work; or we ask someone to do something and they do it. And what if that merchandise doesn't work or that person doesn't do what we have asked? Did we have expectations? Yes. Is it all right to have expectations? Of course! So, I want you to use your discretion.

Challenging ourselves to step outside the box and see things from a different perspective will, over time, allow us to have more peace in our lives.

Loss of Relationships

Relationships end. That is just part of life. However, how we receive it and perceive the end of relationships is up to us.

I'm famous for telling my friends and family that "People come into our lives exactly when they are supposed to, and they leave exactly when they're supposed to." When we try to change that scenario, we cause some of the pain we experience in life.

It's hard to let friends come and go, but we must remember that they are growing in different ways than we are. Their journeys sometime take a different turn than our own and, at times, their roads come back to the same road we are on.

Everyone is on their own journey and at times we journey together; some longer than others. Each person comes into our lives to teach us something.

Relationships end in different way. Sometimes we have a choice, and sometimes we don't. Whether we do or don't isn't the question. The question is: what did that relationship teach us?

Everyone we meet in life is a teacher of something. Look past those bodily identifications we blind ourselves with and see the teaching of that person.

Is it humility, compassion, boundaries, faith, love, pride, friendship, respect? What did you learn from your teachers today?

Loss of Jobs

I've lost several jobs, but the one that rocked my boat more than any other was when I left a job that I dearly loved and worked the hardest I ever worked in my life for. I left the job because the company was bought out by another company, and people and things were changing faster than I liked.

But when I left that job, I left behind that identity. I had built that company from zero sales to over 20 million dollars a year in sales in only three years. I was a very successful sales manager. It was a product that I loved and was very passionate about. I basically made it my life for those three years and when I left, all I had was a void, a big hole.

It doesn't really matter that I'm the one who made the decision to leave the job. The point is that the job I identified myself with was gone.

Fortunately, I had others in my life that helped remind me that "when one door closes, another opens" and that there would be other jobs for me.

What I noticed was how quickly I let my passion drive me so deep into the job and how I lost sight of what was my most important part of my life, my spiritual welfare.

Luckily, during that period of my life, almost everything else was going well... at least on the outside. I had a well-paying job that I loved and they loved me. I had purchased my first home. I was able to afford private schooling for my kids. I had a brand new car (the newest Volvo on the market). I was beginning to put together a retirement plan and more. My marriage was showing signs of deterioration, but that had been happening for a while, even before this new job.

What I had put on the back burner was what helped me get where I was: my spiritual life. It was alarming how quickly that was pushed aside and forgotten. But I did forget and, because of that, when I left that job I was lost for a while.

What that looked like was a loss of my confidence at my new job. My honesty wasn't at the standard I was used too (I wasn't putting in the time I said I was putting into my job), I didn't care as much as I did with the other job. This was all understandable, but I also began to get a sense of resentment concerning my old job.

The resentment was what brought me back to my spiritual practice. I wasn't comfortable with having things rattle around my head for long periods of time or having displaced anger come out because of the resentment.

Today, I know the most important aspect of my day is my prayer, meditation and reading. I won't allow anything to get in the way of one or all of those things. That is what anchors me. Everything else is secondary. Now I know that might not work for others, but, believe me, we can all take a few minutes each morning to say "Good Morning" to God or we'll eventually being saying "Good God, it's morning." The choice is ours.

Loss of Loved Ones

Death happens every day. People come into our lives and then they leave. The death of a loved one is surely one of the hardest experiences in life to endure. And we are powerless over it.

We each have our own way and time frame for mourning. So I am not going to speak much on those topics, I will assume you are doing everything you need to do to take care of yourself.

I'd like to share with you some of how death came to me and how my perception evolved into a Bigger Picture.

I happen to have experienced more death than some and not as much as others in my time here, so far.

With each loss, death was different. My first couple of experiences with death included my cousin who died in Viet Nam and, around the same time, my Grandmother, who was the only grandparent I knew. I was about 12 years old.

I didn't know what death was. I was saddened by everyone else's sorrow. I didn't know my cousin well, and my grandmother was an old Irish immigrant who didn't talk much, at least not to me. I believed that they went to heaven and didn't think much more about it.

When my parents died a few years later (I was 15 when Dad died, and six months later when Mom died I was 16), I was somewhat aware they were dying. Both were in the hospital when they died and had been sick for some time before that. So on some level, I knew it was coming. But just the same, I couldn't quite grasp what was happening.

My feelings were numb, except for anger. That is all I felt for a long time. When my parents died, nobody talked about their deaths with me. Even the priest at the funeral was vague... something about how they were good people and that they went to heaven. I was angry and confused because I knew at the end of their lives they were not good people and questioned how God could take them.

Let me back up a little. My parents were good people, but they had the disease of alcoholism that ate away at them in every way. What I had experienced for several years prior to their death was the devastation of their alcoholism. So I was not only angry, but very confused.

A couple of years after that, my best friend died. Once again, anger and numbness were the feelings that emerged. A few years after that, my younger brother passed on and I was able to feel more, and understand more.

At the time of my younger brother's passing, I was a monk. I lived in an ashram and was studying scriptures that talk about the cycle of life and death, reincarnation, our purpose in life, where we were going after life on earth, and how we got there. I was tapped into the Bigger Picture; the Bigger Picture being that life around us is not all there is to life. That Life is much more than going to school, finding a job/career, settling down and having a family, buying the house and summer home, being the best you can, etc. While those things are important, they are not what life is all about. Life was also was about developing my Inner Self. In fact, the outer world was important, but more important was my Inner World... the Kingdom of Heaven within. All the religions teach it: be in this world, but not of it.

By now, my knowledge of death had grown. I had a belief and faith in what life here on earth was for and where we were going to after it.

What a difference that made going forward.

I had several more deaths of close friends and even had a few near death experiences, myself, and then there was the death of my fianc�e.

Having knowledge about life and death, and that you just don't die and then nothing else happens or that you go into a big void was very helpful in the process of grieving for me.

After lots of reading and research I have found that the major religions basically say the same thing about life and death.

That we are here to live life by following the Laws of God (basically, love God, live a moral life and not hurt others, but there is more) and, most importantly, to develop and continually improve our relationship with the God of our understanding.

Each of us deals with loss in a different way. You'll know you're on course when things like death knock on your door. When you know the Bigger Picture of Who you really are, Why you are here, and Where you are going afterward, you'll have that anchor in life. You won't be tossed around when the "storms of life" hit you. They will rock you, but you won't be lost at sea.

Find those teachings that give you your anchor and remember that even those teachings will continue to change and grow as you do.

Michael Hoare, D.D., is an author, minister and certified Angel Therapy Practitioner. He is the author of "Returning to WHOLENESS... Discovering Ah-Man," which chronicles his journey to recovery and redemption and the founding of his spiritual recovery program: Ah-Man. Through a series of retreats and one-on-one counseling sessions, Hoare teaches men and women to embrace the Ah-Man within them by creating a loving relationship with one's self, God and others; openness with other people; a sense of integrity; and the ability to communicate; all by incorporating trust, forgiveness and acceptance, thus allowing them to reach spiritual recovery and wholeness while attaining personal healing. You can find him on http://www.ah-man.com

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Fifty Plus Dating

Fifty Plus Dating
By Linda Thurlow

Fifty plus dating, is, according to the optimistic; forty plus dating, this is because fifty is the new forty, sixty is the new fifty and so on. A New York Times article reported that seventy- nine million baby boomers, which represent about twenty-six percent of the USA's population are redefining what it means to be older. The same can be said for much of the population of the western world.

For example, stigma regarding middle-aged and older people looking for love and companionship is hopefully outdated. Seniors in the main are healthier, hardworking and generally look better than our predecessors. The outlook therefore is brighter.

According to a survey taken in 2003, one of the main reasons why people date is to find someone to talk to, and someone to do things with. Sex is important, sure, but it's not the whole story.

If you are fifty plus and recently divorced, separated or widowed, it may make sense to take a step back and reflect on your life before jumping straight back into a full on relationship. Some of us tend to look for the same type of mate, hoping to create a sense of familiarity, even if the relationship wasn't all that great. For example a friend of mine tended to only date, strong, wealthy, alpha male types, but then, spent the whole time complaining that she was in danger of losing her own identity and, also, being controlled by them. After a brief spell with a counsellor she discovered that her father was a similar type of man. On the one hand his behaviours made her feel safe, secure, and loved, and on the other she felt stifled, suffocated and not in control of her own life. Getting a balance for her meant living on her own for several months, gaining confidence in her own abilities and have positive experiences without having to lean on anyone other than herself. This respite from relationships gave her an altogether different perspective. She now lives with a Yoga teacher, who eats Vegan food, and is always, laid back, mellow and not in the least wealthy.

Dating in middle age equals baggage, you have both had separate adult lives. This means other children, ex-spouses, mothers, sisters, the list can be endless. We need to accept the other person as an autonomous individual. It isn't always possible to enter into things as lightly as you may once have done. So I guess the consequences of dating in middle age can have a ripple effect. It takes courage to get back into the dating game, but you really have nothing to lose if you are savvy and confident. For those of us who aren't, there are dating coaches out there that can help you navigate the whole process.

Putting yourself out there is tough, the best way forward for most of us, is for two strong independent people to get together and just enjoy each other.

Linda Thurlow is a professional writer on many subjects including relationships and dating. In this instance the subject matter is dating over 50 in the UK. and seniors dating

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Intimacy: Can Trapped Grief Stop Someone From Being Able To Experience Intimacy?

Intimacy: Can Trapped Grief Stop Someone From Being Able To Experience Intimacy?
By Oliver JR Cooper

While it is relatively easy for someone to share their body with another person, the same can't be said about their heart. This means that although the need is there for someone to share how they feel with another person, it is not something that always feels comfortable.

However, just because someone doesn't feel comfortable with this need, it doesn't mean that it will just disappear. It will always be there and all the time it is not being met, it is going to have an impact on one's life.

That doesn't mean that one will be aware of this need, as they can end up being disconnected from it. In this case, one might not know why they feel as though something is missing.

Sex

When one is out of touch with their feelings or doesn't feel comfortable sharing them, they could end up having sex as a way to experience intimacy. Yet, although one might believe they are being intimate with another, this is nothing more than an illusion.

On one hand, they are close to another person and this means that they can feel connected to them. But on the other, the only thing that they are sharing with the other person is their body and this means they can still feel disconnected.

The Only Option

When one feels as though they are close to the other person, it can cause them to feel as though they are being intimate. If one believes this is the only option they have when it comes to feeling close to another person, they might believe it is better than nothing.

And if one doesn't see this as the only option they have, it could be because they believe that being intimate is the same as having sex. Based on this outlook, intimacy is something that takes place through having sex.

Intimacy

There are then going to be others who see intimacy as something that takes place when they share who they are with another person. Now, this might mean that one shares their body with another person, but at the same time, it might not.

This is because one can be intimate with their friends and family. What is taking place during these moments is that one is sharing how they feel and what is taking place in their reality.

Clothes

Here, one's clothes are being left on, but that doesn't mean that one will end up feeling disconnected. One is sharing what is taking place within them and the other person is allowing this to take place.

This will allow one to feel connected to the other person and as though they are being seen for who they are. So unlike the experience that one has when they have sex to experience intimacy, this is not an illusion, it is the real deal.

Normal

Experiencing intimacy is going to be normal for some people and for others; it will be something that they experience on the odd occasion or this might not happen either. This is naturally going to have a negative impact on their life and they could come to the conclusion that other people are inherently different.

And if they do come to this conclusion, they could soon feel like a victim. Yet, just because other people are experiencing life differently, it doesn't mean that one is missing something. As although one could believe that something 'out there' is stopping them from experiencing intimacy, it could be due to what is taking place within them.

Feeling Safe

In order for one to be able to open up to another, it will be important for them to feel that it is safe for them to do so. If they don't feel safe, it won't be possible for them to open their heart.

There is then how one feels in their body and how they feel in their heart. These two areas have a different function, but they work together. The body is like an older brother who has to look after his younger sister.

An Analogy

This means the older brother is not focused on what is taking place within him; he is purely focused on doing everything he can to make sure it is safe for his younger sister to express herself freely. If the older brother doesn't feel safe, it will stop his younger sister from being able to be herself.

Once her brother feels safe, it will allow his sister to express herself. Just as if his sister is unable to express herself, her brother will not be able to relax. This is because although it is a two-way relationship, the brother (the body) is in control.

The Heart

When one experiences some kind of loss, it will cause them to experience grief. This will be something that they feel in heart and there will also be other feelings in their body.

And as long as one feels safe, it will be possible for them to gradually grieve the loss. But this is not always possible and this can mean that one will end up disconnecting from their pain. Their heart will then begin to close and not only will this keep their pain at bay, it will also keep other people at bay.

Blocked

It is then like one having a phone and taking the battery out; it is then not possible for them to contact others or for others to contact them. In this instance, one knows why this is happening and they can soon put the battery back in.

Yet, when it comes to experiencing intimacy, they might not know why they are not experiencing it. If one was to let another person get close to them, it would trigger all of the pain that has stayed within them from a loss or number of losses.

Conflict

At an intellectual level one might wonder why they are not experiencing intimacy, but if they were to bring their attention into their body, they might soon find out. Or if they were to get close to another, the pain within them could be triggered and this could push them away or they could push the other person away.

One might relate how they feel to a loss that they were unable to grieve in their adulthood. However, it could go back even further and relate to what happened during their childhood. In this case, one might be aware of how they feel in their body, but their mind might find it hard to comprehend why they feel as they do.

Awareness

It is not important if one knows why they feel as they do, what matters is that one is able to grieve and to open their heart once more. As this process takes place, one might start to understand why they feel as they do.

There is also no set time for this; as it is not a linear process. Yet, as time passes, one will gradually start to feel that it is safe to let others in. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed here.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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Talking to a Brick Wall

Talking to a Brick Wall
By Connie H Deutsch

Did you ever feel that you were talking to a brick wall? Recently, I've been watching this in action with a mother. I keep hearing her say the same things over and over to her child and she thinks it's penetrating. But, it's not. It only looks like it is.

"Do you want to grow up to be like your father?" The implication is clear. His father is lazy, lacks ambition, isn't too smart, does the barest amount of work, if that much, and lives on a shoestring because he doesn't want to work. Grow up to be like him? No, of course not. But what are you doing to change the trajectory of your life?

Every day, she comes home from work to find him watching NetFlix. He does the barest amount of homework during school hours, gets B's and C's, barely, when he's smart enough to get all A's, and doesn't move a muscle to help around the house unless she gives him specific chores to do. Simple chores. Empty the garbage. When you see the garbage can getting full, empty it. That has to be told to him? Over and over?

If you're hungry, start dinner so we'll be ready to eat when I get home from doing backbreaking work all day. Again, that has to be told to him? The apartment needs to be vacuumed. He can't take a vacuum to the small floors and vacuum, mostly his crap? No, when she gets home from having worked at a backbreaking job all day, she's the one who has to clean the house, his dinner dishes included, while he goes into his bedroom to watch more Netflix.

She's always complaining of never having the money to buy anything for herself because she's always putting his needs first. The other day, I committed heresy. I told her that in a few months, he'll be of age to be considered an adult and she ought to start treating him like one or he will grow up to be just like his father.

I told her that if he has so much spare time on his hands, he needs to get a part-time job and contribute money to the household. She thought about it and then told me what she was going to say to him when she got home that night. I listened carefully and then told her that she wasn't saying a darn thing that was any different from what she had been telling him for almost sixteen years.

At least as a starting point, you don't say to your kid, "Things are going to be different around here." He's heard that all his life. No, when you get home, just give him a list of chores that have to be done.

"Billy, vacuum the apartment while I'm starting supper." If he reaches for the refrigerator without vacuuming the apartment... "No, Billy, That's my food that I paid for. You want food? Vacuum the apartment or pay me for the food you want to eat." Treat him like the adult he is and little by little, he'll become the adult you want him to be. Continue to treat him like a spoiled child with entitlement issues, and he'll grow up to be exactly like his father.

Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver.

Connie is the author of the books, "Whispers of the Soul," "A Slice of Life," "Whispers of the Soul for the Rest of Your Life," "From Where I'm Sitting," "View from the Sidelines," "Reaching for the Brass Ring of Life," "Purple Days and Starry Nights," "Here and There," "And That's How it Goes," and "The Counseling Effect." Her website: http://www.conniehdeutsch.com/ See more of her articles by clicking here ConnieHDeutsch Articles

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After Your Gift Has Been Delivered

After Your Gift Has Been Delivered
By Connie H Deutsch

There has been so much in the news about the advances made in robotic science, that it gives one pause to question whether one should hold onto old emotional prejudices.

We see robots being taught to do complex things like solving Rubik's Cube in a matter of seconds. We see them being taught to use their powers of observation to make emotional decisions. It is no longer a matter of watching a robot vacuuming your house or bringing you a drink or turning on your oven to start your dinner before you get home from work. Now, they are being taught to think and to build other robots just like themselves.

About six months ago, we saw a clip of a car driving itself down the Autobahn, the most dangerous 8,000 mile network in Germany where the human driver of the car climbed over the back seat to test the robotic safety system of the Infiniti Q50 to see how active the Active Lane Control feature really is, but there was no clip to show us that this robotic feature had any emotions while taking over the functions of a human driver.

I was just about getting ready to set aside my human panic attack at seeing some of these daredevil stunts done by robots when a very human thought occurred to me.

This had nothing to do with the kinds of extraordinary things that today's robots are being taught. One of those things that robots are being taught is to sit in front of a TV and watch the way humans act, how they emote, how they interact with other humans, etc. In fact, they are being taught, by watching TV, how to think and how to behave just like us.

No, this thought that roams around in my head has nothing to do with that. It has to do with the human emotion of gift giving. When you don't live near enough to your friend or relative to give him or her a birthday present or a Christmas present, the best you can do is talk to each other on the phone or see each other on Skype. But that doesn't really do it for most of us.

There's no robot that can tap into my excitement when a family member sends me an unusual gift. We have a tradition of opening our gifts by phone.

When my birthday rolls around, I don't want to look at the clock and see that it's after midnight, so it's all right to open my gifts because it's legitimately my birthday. No, I want to open my gift with my family member on the other end of the phone so that our real reactions to the gift comes through the wires. A robot will never be able to take the place of someone I love.

And, if I send a gift, do I really want a robot to thank me for it? No, I do not. If I send someone flowers, I want to hear the person's voice on the other end of the phone telling me what the flowers look like and if they have a nice fragrance or whether the arrangement looks like the picture of it that I saw online.

I don't want a robot thanking me for the flowers I sent; I want to share the emotions that went with selecting the gift for someone special. I want to feel that excitement, and no robot can replace that emotion for me.

Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver.

Connie is the author of the books, "Whispers of the Soul," "A Slice of Life," "Whispers of the Soul for the Rest of Your Life," "From Where I'm Sitting," "View from the Sidelines," "Reaching for the Brass Ring of Life," "Purple Days and Starry Nights," "Here and There," "And That's How it Goes," and "The Counseling Effect." Her website: http://www.conniehdeutsch.com/ See more of her articles by clicking here ConnieHDeutsch Articles

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Into the Hands of Fate - When There's No Easy Way Out

Into the Hands of Fate - When There's No Easy Way Out
By Alexa Keating

He first noticed her entering the elevator; just noticed her for some reason. He began seeing her leaving his building several times during the week. Their eyes met in a casual, friendly kind of way. Finally, he approached her; "Are you a new arrival in our building?" She seemed surprised, "Heavens no, I've worked here for years!" He was surprised, why was he suddenly noticing her? "Have you ever seen me in this building?" She laughed, "I only noticed you in the elevator a few days ago to be honest, are you new here?" He had been working in the building for 19 years; how odd he thought.

He was surprised that the stranger seemed to be occupying his mind lately. His marriage was indestructible - everyone said so; he considered it to be the most solid part of his life. "Married for twenty years and still acting like newlyweds", that's what all their friends said; it was how he felt! His favorite part of the day was arriving home and seeing his children run to meet his car. They hung onto him all the way to the door, where he was always met with a kiss by Lisa. Leo was a lucky man!

He noticed that Lisa was wearing sweat pants; just noticed, that's all. She looked good in everything to Leo. Looking back, he remembered thinking that this is where it all began, the unraveling of his life. Such a simple thing, the sweat pants, meaningless really, yet he remembered that night when his friends asked him what happened. It seemed like nearly every day after that he began noticing some simple little thing about Lisa that made him see her in a different light. He wondered what the hell had happened.

Carla was her name, the woman in the elevator that he kept bumping into. The next day, when they ran into each other again, they laughed together. By the end of the week, they began learning more about each other. She was married with two children, happily she said. He told her about Lisa. Carla and Lisa couldn't be more different. Carla had always worked in management; she had a confident walk, dressed for success and seemed very businesslike. Lisa loved the outdoors, gardening and was a terrific stay at home Mom; exactly the kind of woman he wanted.

Soon he was having lunch with Carla in the cafeteria, then occasional dinners. They had a lot in common; enjoying so many of the same interests it was eerie. He found himself lying to Lisa, knowing she would never understand. How could she? He did not understand his fascination with Carla. Faster than he could ever have imagined, they were in bed together. Then weekends together that progressed to an imaginary week long business trip where they both admitted they could not stay with their spouses. Leo had no idea what had happened, or how things had changed so rapidly. He only knew how he felt inside. He was elated and miserable at the same time. His perfect life was tattered and torn into pieces; part of him was miserable, the other more excited than he had been in years.

He looked in the mirror and hated his own reflection. He was a liar and a cheat. He looked into his children's eyes knowing he had violated everything he had taught them; he felt like a fraud, he was a fraud. He could no longer look into Lisa's eyes. Some things are worth fighting for; he always believed his marriage was. Some feelings will never die; like those he had for Carla. He felt like fate had caught up with him; the beautiful life he had taken for granted for so many years was a mockery that taunted him now. He had to tell Lisa; at least he could resolve the liar issue which was deeply troubling to him.

Leo moved into an efficiency apartment the next day. Telling Lisa and facing his children had been the most difficult time in his life. Odd, Carla was also going through the same issues in her own marriage; but this time they were not comfortable sharing the stories. There is something deeply private about your life shattering into pieces; some strange sense of loyalty to all that life had been before it fell apart. He felt like a prisoner to his feelings; he wondered if giving in had been wrong.

The process of unraveling his life was like an endless road; like shedding his own skin. It was painful; he realized how much of himself he had lost while he was entwined in their long relationship. It was over now; there was no shortcut home even if he had wanted to ask for a second chance. Lisa had a new boyfriend. Carla was trying to work things out with her husband and family. Leo was left wondering how it all had happened, why they had suddenly noticed each other and what had happened to his perfect life. Whatever it was, there is no easy way out; there never is. He knew one thing for sure now; think long and hard before you destroy something important in your life. Nothing is indestructible.

To learn more about this author and her available books please visit http://www.arkconnect.com.

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Love Doesn't Live Here Anymore - There's No Reason to Stay

Love Doesn't Live Here Anymore - There's No Reason to Stay
By Alexa Keating

Strange how something so life-altering comes stealing in like fog that rolls in and grows denser until it obscures the landscape; you wake up one day and it feels like a stranger is in your bed. Gone is the thrill of seeing their face, of robbing one more minute of time from the day to cuddle or of a shared yawn. Gone; what happened, where did the road turn, taking you to this strange place?

Barring some major event that you can't ignore, when relationships end the norm is that you just drift apart, barely noticing when it really ended. When did you stop paying attention, or realize you had less and less to talk about? When did you stop wondering why it can't be like it was before? About the time these thoughts become your reality, you mentally left with your heart in your hands; safe from any further breakage. Maybe you didn't say so; it's like a ballgame that should be over, called by run rules. Too far gone to make a comeback and win. You keep playing the game because you started playing on a team and it's all you know how to do; but not because your heart is in it.

If you stay long enough, even the pain is obliterated. Like a storm with winds blowing sand across the hills and valleys of what used to be, the tears, the fears and the resignation, all covered by the sands of time. And still, you stay. It's hard to change, to put an end to your plans. It's like having a relationship that is on a ventilator. Could it be saved if you just gave it more time? If you disconnect it, are you killing something precious? Over and over these thoughts roll across your mind; still, you know it is too late to save, too much damage has occurred. It takes courage to acknowledge this, and leaving is such a chore.

These emotions are all human, many fueled by the picture we painted in our mind. To really fall in love with another person requires a great deal of vision, imagination, faith in what can only be dreamed of and the willingness to trust. It is not easy to paint over all those glorious colors and images that we worked so hard to put on the canvas of our relationship. You don't have to hurry; you may have a lifetime to decide. But everyone loses when you both refuse to read the handwriting that is clearly written across the canvas.

There is an imaginary game some people play; it's called "I am staying because it would break their heart if I leave." You're kidding yourself; don't imagine that your partner has not noticed that you are absent in the relationship. People fight change; it's a little frightening. We image that we are safer in the place we know than the alternative that is unknown and strange to us.

If you are out of a relationship, own up to it. Freedom for both of you to begin again and build the best that can be in your lives is a single honest conversation away. It requires something that is difficult for humans, not so much for animals. You have to disconnect from emotion, delusion and denial. Logic rules when you are making life altering changes. Use the head on your shoulders to arrive at a logical conclusion. Oddly, the heart rarely leads us astray. It knows what it feels; its judgment is impeccable. Our hearts ability to correctly identify what is before it is obscured by the fog of denial and delusion. We're the masters of illusion when we play this game.

When it's time to close the door, do it without drama, chaos or confusion. Choose a simple straightforward approach without recriminations or the need to make the decision anyone's fault. This allows you to exit intact. There is no way to see what can be until you stop looking back. Your response to everything that happens in your life is the only control you will ever have; this is absolute. Make your response one that allows you to leave without a collision. You write the story; make the ending one that is memorable and that leaves you unbroken and proud of your efforts.

To learn more about this author and her available books please visit http://www.arkconnect.com.

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Valentine's Day, Love, Sex, Submission, Self-Awareness and Intimate Relationships

Valentine's Day, Love, Sex, Submission, Self-Awareness and Intimate Relationships
By Doron Gil, Ph.D.

On Valentine's Day, 14th February, the Holland's newspaper "de Volkskrant" has published a Skype interview with Jacky St. James, a successful porno writer and director. In it she spoke about the film "Fifty Shades of Grey". According to St. James, the relationship between "Mr. Grey" and Anastasia Steele is one which intends to always satisfy and give pleasure to him. This is old-fashioned, she says, the man "who doesn't want her enough; she who is driven by the need to be kept by him. It suggests", Jacky St. James continues, "that women's worth is dependent on the love of the man".

St. James doesn't like the message of "Fifty Shades of Grey". Bdsm-relationships, she says (which stand for: bondage & discipline [bd]; dominance & submission [ds]; and sadism & masochism [sm]) should NOT be one in which the man is domineering and the woman submitting. Rather, it needs to be one in which both the man and the woman want to engage, not one which the woman agrees to in order to please the man.

Unfortunately, there are many - both men and women - who tend to satisfy their partner in order to be loved, be "kept" and stay together. There are many who don't have the courage to express what they want and don't want (in sex); what they want and don't want in the relationship. There are many who do whatever they can in order in order to have a partner; to not be alone; to have their needs of love fulfilled - at the expense of giving up on their own will; desire; self-worth.

Giving yourself to your partner, submitting yourself and letting your partner control you and make all decisions may sound, on the surface, nice, compromising, and accepting. But in the long run such an attitude might come back to haunt you and might harm your relationships.

Becoming a victim within the relationship - which at first you might think is a good way to behave, showing so much love and acceptance - might end up sabotaging you and the relationship. Slowly but surely such a behavior might cause you disappointment, bitterness, anger and disillusion.

Your initial intentions when first beginning a relationship might be good ones; but your submission behaviors might be counterproductive. If you find yourself in similar relationships time and again, it might mean - there is something which drives you to behave that way, and as long as you don't find out what this "something" is and take the steps to change, you will continue falling into relationships which are not healthy for you.

Looking inside yourself and contemplating about whatever it is that drives you to behave in ways which eventually sabotage the relationship, you might find out that you are too dependent on love; too needy; too insecure; too fearful of being alone. Looking inside and being honest with yourself you might begin to understand the reasons for your needs and insecurity: be it the home in which you grew up; the unconscious competition you might have had with one of your siblings; your parents' control over you, and many more reasons, unique to you.

If you truly want to find out what drives you to fall into relationships which are no good for you and how to change, looking inside means: you begin to develop your Self-Awareness - becoming aware of whatever it is that controls your needs, feelings, attitudes and behaviors. Becoming aware of how you shoot yourself in the foot in relationships.

It is when you develop Self-Awareness that you can stand on your two feet and approach partners and relationships with a sense of empowerment. The Journey to Self-Awareness is a journey in which you grow up, get to know and understand things about yourself you haven't known until now, acknowledge and accept things you might have tended to ignore and deny.

The journey to Self-Awareness is therefore a process which frees you from unhealthy emotional and behavioural patterns, one which paves the way for you to find a partner with whom to develop a successful intimacy.

Doron Gil, Ph.D., is a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. In his book: "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship Dr. Gil shows the importance of self-awareness to building a successful intimacy: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relationship/dp/143925141X/

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Top Tips to Build Relationships in Organizations

Top Tips to Build Relationships in Organizations
By Rahul Shariff

Activity to build relationships with others

Take a moment and think about a leader in your organization whom you would consider best in maximizing relationships. How do you describe such a leader? Some descriptions that may immediately come to mind are trustworthy, empathy, concerned for others, understanding, building employee commitment and engagement and motivating.

Leaders and their subordinates or employees need to build a trusting and positive relationship so that they are able to achieve the objectives of the organization effortlessly. It is always best to build relationship before conflict occurs as this enables you to solve problems in an effective manner.

Activities that can help build relationships with others

Survival scenarios - Give the team a survival scenario (like a plane crash or getting lost in the desert) where they have to communicate and help each other to survive. This activity will test the ability of each individual to communicate with the group so that they are able to survive.

Mine field - This is an ideal activity if you have a large room. You can set up a mine field using objects found in the office (chairs, boxes, files or any other objects) that can cause an obstacle. Divide the team into pairs. It is a perfect opportunity to team individuals having issues with each other so that they are able to work with each other as partners and overcome the obstacles.

Improving communication with drawing activity - In this exercise you can divide the team into a group of two and make them sit with their back to each other. You can give one member a paper and pencil and the other member a picture. The person with the picture can give instructions to the person with the paper and pen. After they have completed the exercise, it can be used to interpret the ability to communicate and understand in an effective manner.

Depending on the team size and industry, you can choose from hundreds of activities that help strengthen and maximize relationships. You do not have to spend a lot of time and energy to plan events that can bond the team. All that you need to do is to create opportunities that enable everyone to interact. Ensure that any activity that you plan is not competitive as you do not want them to work against each other but with each other.

Activities that help build relationships with others can be a powerful way to develop strengths and address weaknesses. It can be used to unite a group and improve the problem solving abilities of the team. You need to remember that these activities need to be an ongoing process instead of a couple of such events each year.

It is important that the activities are planned with a proper goal in mind; otherwise they may be a waste of time and effort. If they are planned and carried out in a strategic manner they can become part of the corporate culture. When individuals and teams start collaborating with each other it can help in maximizing relationships easily.

If you need more information about building relationships in organizations, you can choose to visit the link provided http://www.moneycrashers.com/business-relationship-building-skills/.

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