Forgive Them, For They Know Not What They Do

Forgive Them, For They Know Not What They Do
By Steve Wickham

THIS WRANGLES with our pride: people presuming they: 1) know what's going on for us in our experience; 2) think they know what we are thinking; 3) can give us advice when perhaps we just don't need it. Yet, such a pride is veiling the truth. Some people are out of step with how to discern and deliver upon love. For, love has as its precursor - the other person and what they need. Love is not about the person doing the loving; it's all about the object of the affections - the subject before each one of us.

But the reality of this life is harsh. We are likely to need to suffer the fool gladly. That person is trying their best to love us, even if, in doing that, they transgress love.

We are to be full of grace. Yet such grace is nothing if not a miracle if it isn't worked on incessantly for months and months and months.

Character growth is always a slow process. Particularly in the processes of 'sandpaper ministry', as we rub each other up the wrong way we tend to say things that people find hard to bear; they say things that we find, equally, that grate.
And, yet, few of us would perturb others deliberately.

When Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing," he prayed such a relevant prayer that finds itself pertinent in many of our situations.

We often do not know in the moment of our transgressions what our transgressions are or how they affect those impinged. We know this is true by the amount of times others put their foot in it, when it comes to us, without wishing to.

Grace comes into its own when we find that we are no longer irritated by the ignorant offerings of the uninformed.

If we are to forgive the common person their common transgression we will find ourselves being forgiven.

As we forgive the situations that seem to thwart us - as we are given to a moment's surreal sense in the sweeping tide of temptation to anger - we are practicing such a God-anointed character trait. It's no good trying hard to our own exasperation. It's myriads better to contemplate really feeling love toward those we have forgiven.

***

Forgiving a transgression with understanding is like a prayer to receive that same understanding when we are the transgressor.

Forgiveness understands the common human frailty and extends the wisdom of God in making such wisdom personally accessible.

Forgiveness, hence, is the wisdom of God, so those who forgive borrow righteousness.

Forgiveness is the wisdom of God. Resentment is the bitterness of humanity's folly.

� 2014 S. J. Wickham.

Steve Wickham is a Baptist pastor who holds Degrees in Science, Divinity, and Counselling. Steve writes at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com.au/ and http://tribework.blogspot.com.au/

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Smart Career Women Can Have Conscious Relationships

Smart Career Women Can Have Conscious Relationships
By Debrah Mathis

Last year, I turned 50, but didn't have a big celebration because I was too busy with work. In hindsight, I can see that while my career as a corporate professional flourished, my intimate relationships have taken a severe beating. Married twice-- at ages 19-21 and then 40-44 and later ended up as a single mother.

Am I alone in the choices I have made? Apparently not, as I work with countless of other smart, successful career women who are living together with their partners like roommates, in business-like marriages, or involved in complex relationships portrayed in popular TV shows SCANDAL, Being Mary Jane and Mistresses who want a difficult, and not a normal, love.

What Is Really Going On?

So what does all this mean? At the root of the problem lays the fact that many women with "book smarts" have a dangerously low EQ (emotional intelligence quotient). Simply put, this would explain why intelligent, witty women often become fools in love.

Back in 2006, Michael Noer created shock waves when he wrote a piece in Forbes Magazine warning men of marrying career women. He claimed that recent studies had found that smart, professional women were more likely to get divorced or cheat, and less likely to have children. In addition, the American Journal of Marriage and Family cited studies that claim the divorce risk rises when women out-earn their husbands. Widespread evidence seems to suggest that thousands of bright women can't sustain meaningful relationships for many reasons: too controlling, inability to tolerate less successful men and equally, men resentment of their higher-earning partners.

So why are so many career women experiencing this conundrum?

Pride Comes Before A Fall

Women have been ashamed to admit that they put pride before their feelings and later realized how much damage this has caused their relationships. Dr. Robert Holden, author of Success Intelligence, is at the cutting edge of psychological relationship research and offers the following explanation: "To have a successful relationship, you have to develop EQ which is emotional empathy and a respect for each others feelings. Without the engagement of the head and the heart, relationships are not a safe place to be, but the smart woman is headstrong enough to tell herself that she will be able to make this work.

In other words, we fall at the first hurdle because we've been conditioned to bypass our God-given intuition and it gets us into trouble. Case in point, my intuition sent off warning bells that landed me in ER for a severe panic attack before my wedding ten years ago to my second ex, only to realize with clarity that I had married the wrong man - again. At the time, I kind of knew that the marriage was doomed but convinced myself that with our religious upbringings "I" could make it work.

How to Change Your Modus Operandi

Let's be honest, most of us high IQ girls aren't very happy. Often we are the real victims because we just accept that any romantic situation is OK, when in reality it's not. We have gotten used to wearing this very confident fa�ade that is really to disguise our fear of not being in charge and lack of self-acceptance. So, we become relationship jumpers because "there was no love there and he didn't stimulate me", "we rushed into it too quickly without knowing each other", or "he was my rebound guy". The truth is, our identities become intertwined in what we do at work.

So career women tend to approach their relationships like a career development plan for Mr. Right. Consider this:

• What energy vibes are you leading with when you meet a guy? Do you find the energy signals you give are at complete odds to what you are feeling?

• I don't want you to meet my children, family, social, or work tribe

• I'm seeing other men so I don't want you to get too close

• I'm a financially self-sufficient woman with (kids) career and only need a man for sex

Men can find these energy vibes to be incredibly emasculating. When men respond by being detached, our emotional side kicks in and we wonder - why isn't he falling in love with me?

Getting to Happy

What advice can I give to successful career women who are often (secretly) unhappy and unsuccessful in love?

• Be willing to admit when you've got it wrong

• Leave your dominance and competitiveness in the office

• Don't love carelessly or unconsciously

• Stop playing the victim role and master your "ideal" role

• Stop approaching relationships as business deals or projects

Finally, work on developing your EQ. This is absolutely essential because it determines the quality of your relationships with others. It is unreasonable and unhealthy to expect other people to love you more than you love yourself. Learn to have emotional strength that is about surrender, openness and a willingness to let go of energy that is draining you.

For too long, women like me and others have spent our best energy building our careers and failed to realize that integrating the emotional and intuitive side of life is just as important. Whether you are in your 30s, 40s, or 50s, the time is now to wake up -- use your head and intuition. Test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, and not some sentimental gush.

Debrah Mathis, is a single mother, entrepreneur, dog-lover, world-class Christian life purpose coach, energy leadership expert and relationship management strategist who works with women how to discover for themselves a new way to love appropriately, live energetically, build an empowered legacy to live well and decide what matters most. She is also enjoying a conscious relationship with her guy.

Visit http://www.EngagetoSuccess.com.

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How to Forgive Anyone Anything

How to Forgive Anyone Anything
By Kathi Calahan

Trying to justify my resentment, anger and hatred was not worth the price of my health, nor is it worth yours.

Today I have not only survived, but thrived and I'll show you how I did it.

Resentment is a latin word meaning to feel anger over and over. Like a poison, it shoots adrenalin into our bodies, raises our blood pressure and begins weakening the cells of our bodies, allowing cancer and any number of diseases to mutate in our weakened cells. I know this to be true because I hung on to anger like it was a life jacket and it nearly killed me.

But wasn't I justified?

Not if I wanted to live. Besides resentment having a physical effect on my body that nearly killed me, it hurt me in so many other ways.

• Divorce - I had no harmony to bring into a marriage. Only anger.
• Estrangement From My children - Resentment had so hardened my heart that I became mean and unforgiving and you know what they say about stuff rolling down hill.
• Unemployment - I took my anger out on people at work and could always justify my quitting over "their" wrong actions. But it was really my anger history that disrupted my work.
• Alcoholism - Besides it being an inherited disease, my inability to deal with stress was a contributing factor to hiding in alcohol.

I want to assure you that with God's help you can forgive anyone anything and you can stop allowing resentment to destroy your happiness.

Let me give you a few examples of some of life's biggest resentment-makers:

1. Abandonment: by parent, spouse or best friend.
2. Abuse: Physical, mental, emotional or sexual.
3. Betrayal: Cheating spouse or someone in authority.
4. Favoritism: Being overlooked for someone else's benefit, to your detriment.

I know you can think of many other causes that you've experienced that caused you to hold onto resentment much longer than you could have. But it's hurting you and it can kill you.

A hardened heart will prevent you from receiving God's healing.

Think about what Jesus had to forgive when he was dying on the cross. He had to forgive those who were taking his very life.

LUKE 23:34 Jesus said, Father forgive them; for they know not what they do.

I think there's something very important to learn from His last words.

• Realize that the perpetrator(s) of your pain are broken, and that broken people hurt others.
• When you're in trouble with resentment, pray and ask God to forgive the person who has hurt you.
• Ask that God then help you heal your resentment toward them. Your health will thank you for the effort.

From doing these simple three things I promise you'll be in an emotional state to begin forgiving your trespassers completely. If I can do it, you can do it too.

What I know today is that the person or people I've harbored resentment and yes, even hatred, toward are long gone on their happy way and I was left with a weakened body which compromised my health.

I hope you don't have to hang on to resentment so long that it makes you sick. Bur if you're already there, take an honest look at your resentments and realize your perpetrators were broken, ask God to forgive them and then ask Him to heal your resentments. Yes someone hurt you and yes it was painful, but you've got God's help and love to get you through this.

God will do for you what you've been unable to do for yourself so far. You never have to walk alone again.

I have two healing scriptures to leave you with that will help restore your happiness.

Romans 12:19 Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. (He will repay those who deserve it. You can rest easy.)

Jeremiah 30:17 For I will restore your health and I wi ll heal you of your wound. (God is the true healer.)

Let go and let God, because here comes your miracle. God loves you.

As you begin to heal you will find more room in your life for caring about others. For heirloom quality gift ideas for those you love please visit us at http://www.SpiritualWomanGifts.com We also have a free Spiritual Inspiration newsletter you can sign up for in the green box.

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How Will They Miss You?

How Will They Miss You?
By Steve Wickham

We live our lives in so much of a blur,
We have no idea of the cost we may incur,
When death makes its unpredictable stake,
Those left behind are left
With that unmistakable ache.
Staring back at that haunting scene,
Considering what on earth our lives have been,
We are left with an awesome opportunity,
To get in touch with our familial community.
When all's said and done, family count,
We hardly realise now just the amount,
We can save the regret if we make the effort now,
And leave them with memories all to endow.

***

Death is a cruel reality for the family man or woman that leaves loved ones behind.

What should haunt him or her - the idea that they leave behind a myriad of potential - and because of that will be sorely missed - doesn't really occur to them.

Most people think death won't happen to them. Everyone knows they'll die, but few people imagine that death stalks us all. We take for granted the breath in our lungs and the electricity in our hearts that keeps us alive. We focus so much on having enough for our retirement, yet we focus so little on the slim chance we mightn't make retirement.

This is not about being morbid. It's about making the most of our lives from a post-death viewpoint, so those regrets we might otherwise have will be few; so there is much less pain and more thankfulness for our lives from our loved ones.

***

If we live life more from the vantage point of our deaths, we gain much more meaning for a life well lived.

A life well lived must be a central purpose of life; a life of love, of peace, of joy.

***

How will they miss you? What is that you do now within your family that makes you indispensable? How do you operate in your community that people value you so?

We might think of the things we don't do that we should do. But what about the things we do actually do. Can we do them better? Can we gain an appreciation of what these things are and plan how they might be done if we weren't around?

Now is the time to make the difference you can make. Now is the time to be awake and aware. Now is the opportunity. Now is when we do what we should do.

� 2014 S. J. Wickham.

Steve Wickham is a Baptist pastor who holds Degrees in Science, Divinity, and Counselling. Steve writes at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com.au/ and http://tribework.blogspot.com.au/

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Under My Skin

Under My Skin
By Minka A Zii

Losing yourself inside of someone who never cared about you is worse than losing someone you care about. I am sad and wallow in my own darkness. I don't want or need someone else. I want him. Unfortunately I don't think he even cares and notices how I long for him.

Standing next to you and you don't seem to notice if am there or not. I know am not the only one but I don't care. I don't care that you want someone else or that you have some else. You can rub your relationship and your new love in my face but to me it is all just a passing phase. I believe in me, I believe in us.

He says "I will light up your mornings each passing day and if I don't show up, think of me as you are always in my heart". Am lost in his words and as much as I would love to believe them I know as soon as we part ways he is on to the next one, an innocent naive believer of romance and love just like me. A wounded soul I am.

Of course I want love and romance. We all want that one person who makes us feel us feel absolutely complete. The one person who makes everything makes sense when with them and you feel as if you can handle anything and take on a war just because they are beside you. I want to live and grow old with someone who understands me completely and loves me with all my strength and flaws.

I believe love is taking a person as they and not wanting to change a thing about the one you are with. It is growing old and wise together. Each passing day spent is a lesson learnt and appreciated. You may not always agree on the same issues, you may have different opinions on how we see things in various perspective but that is what love is;compromise.

I want that kind of love with him. I want us to be friends, confidants then lovers. I want us so badly but then I also want to find me. As much as I want us I am not going to wait my entire life for you to figure it out or read between the line. I am not going to stop living life the way I want or do things that make me happy.

I will be patient or at least try to be. If we never end up together as one and if we do fail to give ourselves the opportunity at least I know I held on to hope. I may not have accomplished my goal but I do know one thing, you were and will always be a significant part and puzzle in my life.

Off course I do want the everlasting kind of love. Love we see in films and read about. I am hopeful that one day I shall find my future love.

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What My Puppy Taught Me About Expectations in Relationships

What My Puppy Taught Me About Expectations in Relationships
By Katianna Pihakari

I adopted a puppy five days ago. I have to admit that it has been fun start to a new adventure!

On our first day together, this three-year old handsomeness recently named Tonza pointed out something to me: how strongly expectations will influence a new relationship, any new relationship.

When adopting a new pet, one might have some preconceived expectations about their new best friend and companion. I know I did! Typical expectations people might have of a new dog include:

• To become insta-friends with the new companion.
• To develop immediate mutual loyalty and trust.
• To expect the dog to live up to certain behavioral standards.
• To start enjoying sharing the good times starts upon leaving the animal shelter.
Along the road, these are reasonable expectations to have.

But every dog, like you and me and every other human, is different with their own characteristics, circumstances and dispositions. Each will react differently to the same environment and situation. Each person or animal has a different past, full of baggage and challenges. The bottom line is that your new friend has to learn to live with you as much as you have to learn to live with him. Like in any relationship, you will find that in some moments your expectations are exceeded while in other moments they are not quite met.

It is interesting to note that the experts on human relationships claim that currently the biggest problem in any relationship is expectations. Whether it is a romantic relationship, friendship or a professional one, we frequently expect a little too much too quickly. And that can spell disaster.

So how do you keep yourself from expecting too much too soon? How do you know when to hold on and when to let go? Experts say it all boils down to just a few old fashioned bylaws:

1. Don't rush but let the relationship deepen slowly.
2. Remain open to those who do not fit your 'ideal' not sacrificing your standards.
3. Think about what you bring to the relationship, not what you get from it.
4. Work through problems to have a stronger relationship in the end.
5. Have patience!

Managing your expectations will free you from getting caught up in heartbreak, frustration and distress. Relationships don't always go as we plan, but if we can learn to deal with our expectations, we can learn how to get the most out of each relationship around us.

I am so grateful for this reminder from my new companion Tonza about expectations. I am looking forward to more learning moments with him.

What is the most memorable lesson your pet has taught you?

Katianna Pihakari, the founder of Simply Dynamic Coaching, is an inspiring coach specializing in helping business executives and entrepreneurs in achieving their optimal performance under high stress environments. Contact Simply Dynamic today to discuss how your unique situation could be simplified and improved.

(c) Copyright - Simply Dynamic Coaching. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

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Why Do Some People Have Affairs?

Relationships: Why Do Some People Have Affairs?
By Oliver JR Cooper

While there have always been people who have had affairs, it is probably easier than ever before to have one. This is because of modern-day technology and how the internet has given people the chance to find someone without even leaving their home.

One can then use their phone to keep in contact with the other person (or other people if there is more than one person) and this can allow them to keep it all hidden. So there is no need for someone to write letters or to even speak on the phone; it can all be done without needing to send anything physical and without needing to make a sound.

These things could still take place but they no longer need to, and this can lower the risk of one being found out. The internet has also made it possible for one to meet someone in another part of the country or even another country; thereby creating a safe distance from where they live.

Web Sites

There are normal dating sites and ones where one can go to that give them the chance to have an affair. So no matter what one's needs are, there is a site to take care of their needs. One doesn't even need to upload a picture and they can keep their identity hidden.

This will then give them the chance to talk to people in their area and to people who are further afield. Based on the research that these sites do, it has even been said that some places are worse than others when it comes to affairs.

The Traditional Way

However, one doesn't need to join an internet site in order to have an affair - they simply need to find someone in the 'real world'. One could meet someone on a night out or it could be someone who they work with.

Whoever this person is attracted to or who is there to take care of their needs can end up being the person who they end up having an affair with. And while they could be similar to the person one is with, they might be the complete opposite.

In The Beginning

There are going to be some people who are looking for someone else - it is on their mind and they are going to do everything they can to find someone. And then there are going to be some people who just seem to end up having an affair.

In this case, one wasn't consciously looking for someone but at a deeper level, they needed something. And as this need or a number of needs were not being met by the person they are with, the other person was seen as the solution to their problems.

Inner Conflict

What this can show is that one is experiencing inner conflict, and if their needs were being met, this wouldn't be the case. One could be aware of this conflict or they could deny what is taking place within them. Either way, it is still going to be defining their behaviour and they could soon be leading a double life.

Communication

So when it comes to people who have affairs, it is often a sign that there is a breakdown in communication. How one is not talking to their partner about what is going on for them and what their needs are.

Instead, one is talking to another person about what their needs are and looking for them to fulfil them. And what can make it easier for one to go with someone else is if they feel emotionally disconnected from their partner.

Emotionally Disconnected

If one felt emotionally connected to their partner it would be harder for them to have an affair. Having this connection is likely to mean that one talks to their partner and opens up. Each person is then in tune with each other and the need to look elsewhere is greatly reduced.

One can feel emotionally disconnected due to a number of reasons and this could be the result of what is happening externally and/or it could be the result of what is taking place within them.

Reasons

Perhaps one no longer feels attracted to the other person and that is why they no longer feel connected to them. Having an affair is then an unconscious attempt for them to end the relationship without having to face the pain of having to end it directly.

It could also be a relationship where there was no emotional connection to begin with. This could come down to the fact that they have a fear of intimacy and as soon as someone gets too close, they end up feeling smothered. Having an affair is then a way for them to feel free once more.

Adulthood Needs and Childhood Needs

The reason one feels smothered in their relationship could be because of the feelings that relate to their childhood are being triggered. Going with another person is then a way to regulate how they feel, but it won't do much more than that.

So if their current relationship was to end, their interest in the other person is also likely to end and this is because they would soon end up feeling smothered once more. One is then avoiding intimacy and unless they process their childhood pain and become emotionally available, they will continue to do so.

The Chosen Child

Another reason why one can have an affair is because they were 'the chosen child' during their childhood. This is also known as emotional incest. For man this is likely to relate to how his mother treated him, and for a woman it might have been her father. These early years would have been a time when one was given special treatment and used as a surrogate spouse.

This would have taken place because their caregiver's energy was not being direct towards someone their own age and was going towards them. One is then used to being the centre of attention and always having what they want.

Consequences

On one side this will have caused one to feel good but at the same time it would have felt uncomfortable. As an adult, one is going to have the need to be the centre of attention and to always feel special.

But while this was how they felt as a child, it is not going to be possible for them to always feel this was as an adult. In the beginning of a relationship this might take place but as time passes, this is going to wane. Having an affair is then a way for one to experience the honeymoon period or their childhood all over again.

Awareness

Ultimately, one will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs and then they will begin to see life through the eyes of an adult and not a child. They will no longer expect to feel special all the time or to be the centre of the other another person's universe. It will also enable them to be emotionally available

So these are just a few reasons why someone can have an affair. And while the assistance is out there, there is also the chance that they are not willing to embrace it.

If one is experiencing pain and having an affair is seen as the way for them to feel better, then this is what might take place. It can all depend on whether one is willing to talk to their partner and/or to get the assistance they need to work on what is creating conflict. The assistance of a therapist or a healer can provide the support that one needs.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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Is The Fear Of Being Abandoned Defining Who You Are Attracted To?

Relationships: Is The Fear Of Being Abandoned Defining Who You Are Attracted To?
By Oliver JR Cooper

Over the years, many points of view have been put forward as to what causes one person to be attracted to another. These have come from scientists, relationship experts and everyone in between.

And while some of these views can sound accurate and as though they reflect reality, it doesn't mean this is actually the case. Women are said to go for one thing and men for another and one doesn't need to look very far to see there are always exceptions.

Nevertheless, if one matches up with what is classed as attractive everything could be fine but if they don't, it could make them believe that they are therefore 'unattractive'. The first person is likely to end up feeling good about themselves and the second person could end up feeling hopeless.

Physical Appearances

While it is possible for one to change their behaviour or how they come across to others, the same can't always be said about their appearance. And as it is one's appearance that is often said to define whether they are attractive or not, there is only so much one can do.

Cosmetic surgery is gradually becoming more socially acceptable but even with surgery, there are limits. A woman can have breasts implants or have bottom implants and a man can have liposuction, for instance.

No Guarantees

If one doesn't look a certain way it is going to be normal for them to admire people who do have certain features. They could wonder what their life would be like if they looked the same and this could even go as far as them having cosmetic surgery.

And while being physically attractive can make one's life easier (it has been said that one's physical appearance can play a part in how far they go in their career and if they are charged or let off for a crime), it doesn't mean that one is going to have fulfilling relationships.

Men and Women

At this time, women have more options than men do when it comes to changing their appearance. And as men are more visual than women, this doesn't mean that men are therefore worse off.

For a man it is not so much about how he looks as it is about how he behaves. So while man can look right, if he doesn't behave right it is not going to make much difference. As for women, they can look a certain way but unless they value themselves and are emotionally together, they are not going to attract healthy men into their life.

More than Appearances

What this comes down to is the fact that one's physical appearance is just one part of the equation; the other part is what is going on inside them. For example: a car might look incredible, but unless the engine is up to standard it won't be going very far.

How a car looks will create attention but once one is in the car, it will all come down to how it runs. And the same could be said about people - how they look might create interest, but after a while it will come down to what else they have to offer.

Individual Requirements

However, if one is only looking for a surface level relationship and not one where they open up, it won't matter about what's inside as it will be all about appearances. In this case, how the other person makes one look and the image that they present to the world will be the only thing that matters.

Yet if one wants to have relationships that are real, it will be important for them to focus on what is taking place within them and not just how they look. Once one does feel comfortable on the inside, they might find it easier to accept how they look on the outside.

Attraction

On one side, there is how one is attracted to another person based on how they look and then there is how one can be attracted to someone because of how they feel. This is not to say that these two aspects are separate - what it means is that one's emotional needs can take precedence.

Here, one won't be focused on whether the other person looks right, as they will be consumed by their emotional needs. Although the ideal is for one's mind, heart and body to work together, this doesn't always take place.

Abandonment

When one feels emotionally centred they are going to be attracted to a certain type of person and when this is not the case, they are likely to be attracted to people who are completely different. So if one feels abandoned for instance, it could cause them to go with whoever is available.

Due to how powerful this feeling is, it might not matter what their mind says about the other person; they are in pain and they want of feel different. And while the other person will regulate how they feel, they could end up going with people who are far from healthy.

Short-term Solution

In the short-term, one will no longer feel abandoned but if this is the only reason why they are with the other person, there could be other problems that arise as time passes. The other person might not be compatible and they could end up being controlling or abusive.

This is partly because one is coming from a place of desperation and neediness. The people they attract are then likely to pick up on this at a deeper level and to see them as easy targets.

A Closer Look

It is often said that it is not possible for one to feel abandoned as an adult and how this only applies to a child. Yet, if one was neglected during their childhood and these emotional experiences have not been processed and have therefore remained trapped in their body, they can feel like they did all those years ago.

As a result of being left as a child, not only will one have felt abandoned, this would have affected their ability to regulate their own emotions (as it is through being regulated by one's caregivers that one develops the ability to regulate themselves). One is then in pain and no one is there to regulate how they feel, and as they can't regulate themselves, the pain would have ended up staying in their body.

Awareness

The years go by but one is still carrying the pain within them and they can't regulate how they feel. So it is only natural that they are going to be times when they find it hard to be discerning and end up being drawn to whoever is available.

These emotional experiences of the past will need to be faced as released and this takes place, one will gradually develop their ability to regulate their own emotions. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. They will also provide the positive regard that one didn't receive all those years ago and this is a vital part of the process.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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Choosing Your Battles Carefully

Choosing Your Battles Carefully
By Connie H Deutsch

When I was much younger, everything seemed so important and I argued passionately for so many issues. And then I got older and realized that most things are relatively unimportant.

If you're married or living with a roommate, who cares if the towels are folded this way or that way? In the larger scheme of things, who cares how the dishwasher is stacked or if the dishes are left in the sink? If your spouse were to suddenly die or become disabled, will these issues still seem important?

I have always argued to the death for my principles and that will never change. Don't ask me to violate my principles, not while I still have breath to argue for them and to try to do everything to defend them. But anything else? Not likely.

There is one other thing that is important enough for me to argue about. If you and I were married and you weren't a fiscally responsible person, I wouldn't allow my name to be on any legal documents that we shared. That means no bank loans, no house mortgage, no credit cards and, definitely, no joint bank accounts. In fact, I would do my banking in a different bank so that you would never have access to my accounts.

If you want to buy a house and I don't, you can buy it in your name and not put my name on the deed. You would be responsible for the mortgage payments and I would share utility bills and grocery bills, not much of anything else. Same thing if the reverse were true. If I wanted to buy a house and you didn't, the house would be in my name and I'd be responsible for the mortgage payments and the maintenance costs, and we would share the utility bills and groceries.

Couples often have different spending habits and core values. If you want to spend your money on what I call stupid things, that's your prerogative, but don't spend my money on those things. We'd have separate bank accounts and you can spend your money on anything you want; just don't touch my money or ask me to spend my money on things that I don't want.

Government is always spending my money on things that are not essential and that I don't want but, other than trying to vote those legislators out of office, there isn't much I can do about that.

Through the years, I have come to realize that most of the things that cause us unhappiness today, will not even be in our lives five or ten years from now. We will barely even remember them five or ten years from now so, nowadays, whenever something upsets me, I ask myself if this issue will still be important to me five or ten years from now, and if it won't, I make myself drop it and put my focus elsewhere.

Many of my clients have been with me thirty or forty years, so I have the benefit of having shared their fears and tears and, when they have different issues now, that are causing them extreme distress, I remind them about a person or about a situation from all those years ago. Most of them do remember the situation that I'm referring to but when I ask them if those people are important to them now, or if they are still stressing out over the same situation, so far, no one has said yes.

If those people and/or situations are not still in our lives five or ten years after the fact, how important could they have been? As long as we have free will, we can change the outcome of the various scenarios by using our creativity and whatever resources are at our disposal. As children, we don't have many options to extricate ourselves from painful situations but, as adults, we do.

We can only control just so much in our lives and no more. We can make healthy eating choices and exercise. We can meditate and not allow ourselves to be in toxic relationships. We can do everything within our power to eliminate the stress in our lives but we cannot control the world around us. The only thing we can control is ourselves and how we respond to the world around us.

Nowadays, when faced with an unpleasant situation that I can't control and can't do anything about, instead of getting angry, I ask myself if this argument is worth dying on the hill for. Time and distance have shown me that most of the time, the arguments that you thought were so important, are not worth dying on the hill for.

'Choosing Your Battles Carefully'
Connie H. Deutsch

International business consultant & personal advisor. Wrote weekly newspaper Advice Column for 16 years. Had her own weekly radio program & wrote scripts for weekly financial cable TV show. Written and produced 2 CDs on meditation and relationships and she has done coaching on customer service and employee relationships. Books: Whispers of the Soul/ A Slice of Life/ From Where I'm Sitting/ Reaching for the Brass Ring of Life/ View from the Sidelines/ Whispers of the Soul for the Rest of Your Life/ Purple Days and Starry Nights/ Here and There/ The Counseling Effect and co-authored "Getting Rich While the World Falls Apart," a free eBook on her website. Her website: http://www.conniehdeutsch.com

See more of her articles by clicking here ConnieHDeutsch

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