How To Instantly Bring A Man CLOSER Instead Of Push Him Away

How To Instantly Bring A Man CLOSER Instead Of Push Him Away
By Helena Hart, M.A.

Lately I've been getting asked a lot of questions about how to bring a man closer, especially when he's been acting distant or pulling away.

If you're feeling a sense of longing for a man - especially a man who isn't giving you all the love, affection, and attention you want and deserve - this will help you shift your vibe and bring him CLOSER to you.

Every time you look at a man, you have a choice in that moment. You can think about something you're lacking - something you're NOT getting from him - or you can think about something you LIKE about him, or something he does that makes you feel fantastic. That option is yours!

Many women choose to come from a place of LACK - whether they're conscious of this or not - because most of us were somehow raised to wallow in pain and then "rise above it." We're often INSPIRED by our anger or our jealousy.

For me, this was especially the case with the "nice guys" who wanted to love me - I was always looking for reasons to "disqualify" them.

When you're coming from a place of LACK when you're with a man - it comes across as needy - and he'll start to feel like whatever he does, he can never make you happy.

This can cause a lot of damage in a relationship - it ultimately makes a man feel LESS attracted and connected to you, and it pushes him away.

When it comes to relationships, we're often in a place of judgment, defensiveness, and attack - without even realizing it! Deep down we tend to think that if we're not complaining or attacking, we're going to get hurt.

When we're coming from this place, we're actually REPELLING love. When we're actively judgmental or attacking, we start to sink into a malaise in our heart where we feel unworthy of love because we're unwilling to be loving.

Deep down you may equate being loving with "giving to get." You may think you're being loving towards someone - but if your motivation is to GET something from them in return, that's not loving.

That's when love can feel UNSAFE - because what you're experiencing isn't love, even though you may have been taught that's what love is. Love isn't trying to "get" anything - love IS everything! It doesn't lack.

Next time you look at a man, try thinking about something you LIKE about him, or something he does that makes you feel cherished and adored.

This will instantly shift your vibe and bring him CLOSER by making him feel more attracted and connected to you!

If you REALLY want to build the kind of deep attraction that inspires a man's love, devotion, and commitment, visit www.helenahartcoaching.com. You can instantly download your FREE eBook copy of "3 Keys To Attract The Man You Want" and book a FREE 30-minute coaching session with me!

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Never Say Never Because You Will

Never Say Never Because You Will
By Connie H Deutsch

When I was young and something didn't work out in my favor, I'd say, "I'll never (fill in the missing blanks) and my mother had two favorite comeback lines. She would say, "Never is a long time" or she would say, "Never say never."

In the early days, I would scoff at her and say such stupid things like, "I mean it, Mom. I'll NEVER... " and before long, "NEVER" would come up and bite me in the rear end.

It took a lot of experiences for me to learn that "never" comes sooner than we can imagine. I'd no sooner say it, than I'd be face-to-face with a similar situation and I'd feel like I had no choice but to do what I said I would never do again.

I've never enjoyed eating crow, with or without ketchup or other seasonings, so I learned to think that I'd never do the same thing again, but I wouldn't say it aloud. My mother usually knew what I was thinking and, she was kind enough not to say it but, there were many times I caught her smiling when she thought I wasn't looking.

And, of course, her other comeback line, "Never is a long time," always made me think that I would outlive that time but that, of course, was when I was very young and hadn't experienced enough of life to know that you don't have to live a hundred years to find out that "never" doesn't take a hundred years to come back and make you regret ever having said that.

Maybe kids are more savvy today than they were in my day; maybe they don't think they can outlive the fates or fool them into thinking they're too smart to use the word, "never" but I'll bet they have other expressions that are similar to the ones we used. They may not sound the same, but I'll bet they mean the same.

Kids of all generations have certain things in common, not just their youth and inexperience. They think they're invincible and immortal and that they can fool their parents. I remember being that age and not realizing that whatever I was doing or wanted to do, my parents had already done it when they were my age and knew how to stop me from getting too close to the edge of the cliff that other kids were jumping off of.

Although I didn't learn not to say "never" when I was young, I eventually learned not to even think it when I got older. Experience goes a long way. I now know that "never" comes sooner than I'd like and stays in my life longer than I ever imagined.

So, for now, I'll just say... "Never say never" and be prepared for much more than you bargained for.

Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver.

Connie is the author of the books, "Whispers of the Soul," "A Slice of Life," "Whispers of the Soul for the Rest of Your Life," "From Where I'm Sitting," "View from the Sidelines," "Reaching for the Brass Ring of Life," "Purple Days and Starry Nights," "Here and There," "And That's How it Goes," and "The Counseling Effect." Her website: http://www.conniehdeutsch.com/

See more of her articles by clicking here Connie H Deutsch Articles

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Round And Round It Goes - Which Country Nobody Knows! Keeping Perspective While Changing Lives

Round And Round It Goes - Which Country Nobody Knows! Keeping Perspective While Changing Lives
By Liz Galloway

Have you ever wanted to live in more than one place at a time? Felt constricted by tradition and wondered how you could live all the lives you had created in your mind in just one lifetime? I have.

Next month I may end up in a completely new country. My job and life may change. New language, culture, neighborhoods, foods, places to discover, and per usual, finding the cool little places where the locals go. Its' exciting, its challenging, its' disorienting, and it's my evolution.

I find myself scanning the internet, always on the lookout for interesting offers, jobs, retreats, volunteerism. This could be my second life, my third, or even the one that just lets me feel grounded. But what would that take? How far would I travel to find home?

I can't decide if I'm regressing back into childhood or having an early midlife crisis. The difference. Children are so oblivious to people in lieu of their playtime. They don't wonder if the game they've created is understood or approved by the adults around them. They'll create fun out of sticks, stones, insects, and things you don't want them to touch. Just minutes ago, I had an abnormally monstrous size pine cone wiz by my face as a group of kids played what resembled a game of pine cone tag. The 'game' of a mid lifer's crisis' on the other hand are preoccupied, indecisive. They can be fickle as they re-collect all the past years, can't make sense of the current years, and ponder the future ones.

I left Central America to return to the states, and spent time living between Utah and India until my recent arrival in Spain. I was immediately comfortable in Barcelona, have a great position, access to beautiful places, travel, things, new acquaintances, but yet had an uneasy feeling in my stomach. This unease has prompted me to ponder changes in my life, living as an expat, my family, work, and that undefined question... Happiness?

Barcelona is a stopover country on my way to I don't know where. I could take a position in Doha, or the Mexican Riviera. I can go where I want. Its' a game of roulette, whichever comes first, I'll take it. Right now I feel, if I just keep moving, countries, jobs, people, that the sheer lack of inertia will keep me from having to answer the question. What would it take to make me really happy? What does that mean? Questions come in troves as I ponder the sheer magnitude of life.

At the same time that I love this city, I hate it. At the same time I'm comfortable, I'm still a foreigner. Where I find peace, I also find my emotions volatile, I feel free and child like, but burdened and old. No, I'm not bi-polar, nor ever lived my life irresponsibly. In fact I've been the one mothering my friends, leaning on the conservative side, pulling people back from the edge, and taking the job of motherhood very seriously.

Though I've made career decisions to live as an expat with my son years ago, I'd never taken uncalculated risks. With the past 8 years revolving around expat life, some friends envy me, others think I'm crazy, and family... Let's just say they're not supportive.

Now for the first time, I'm questioning decisions, feel restless, and am embarking on a new exploration that is more strange and more unsettling than the most foreign and far away land could be. Part of this reconciling with past and present is an affliction that comes with expat -hood.

Thrown into this concoction is the recent and unexpected fact that I no longer have my son with me as he fights to enter young adulthood and is too busy orbiting a destructive biological father whom he wants to familiarize himself with, and the final depletion of a 6 year marriage that became destructive and shameful. My deepest, darkest feelings now coming to the surface.

I'm fully aware that this combination of events, while navigating my new surroundings has created a Molotov cocktail. Keep the lighters away please. My previous expat relocations seemed to have been so effortless compared to this. So deciding if I'm childlike or pre-crisis doesn't really need to be decided concretely right now. Both are unaware, confused about who they are or where life is going from time to time, and both can be uncertain of the validity of their decisions.

That leaves 'Happiness'? Well-being, bliss, peace of mind, hopefulness, joy... Knowing what it would take to make that uneasy feeling in my stomach go away, I'm not quite there yet. I know that I am on a journey, and it will come.

Travel for me has always been a stress reliever, an apprenticeship of life, a dream experience where I could safely observe cultures, languages and people, participating in them as much or as little as I wanted. Its' part of who I am. I doesn't make me impulsive, or illogical. The objectivity in my panoramic perspective is still there. The answer to the ultimate question of happiness is within reach.

For now I'll enjoy a late night viewing of young couples performing Flamenco in a quaint bar in Placa Rieal, sip a 'copa de vino blanco', and at some point, make my way back home. Though, I'm alone, it's hard to feel very lonely amongst so many people, there is always something to do. This is home for now, until the unease becomes too great, or the seduction of more money, a more attractive position, exotic location, or even the enticement a new person becomes too enticing. Who knows, it could be my fourth life.

We as women, are built with extraordinarily strength, creatures with soul. As expat's we are a breed amongst ourselves, whether we are an accompanying partner, a professional, a mother, or most likely a combination of all of the above. It's easy to doubt perspective amid change.

For now, I don't care if those around me approve of or understand of my "game". Life is a game for all of us. For the first time its' just me, and my journey has just begun.

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Fake It Til You Make It

Fake It Til You Make It
By Lisa Zaccagnini

Fake it 'til you make it...

Have you ever heard this phrase? What does it mean to you? I think it takes on different meanings depending on who is applying it. For me it calls to something deep inside, confidence and attitude. It asks me to challenge myself and dare to live "as if... ".

My oldest son is leaving home next month to test his independence and his self-confidence by moving far away from home, away from his safety net, his foundation, his comfort zone. As his mom it is hard for me to come to terms with his decision, but if I step back and put myself in his shoes I can almost taste the excitement of the adventure and feel the energy of ownership of making his own decisions, his own space, and his own time. Who among us doesn't remember the feeling of wanting to take life into their own hands? He always imagined himself a leader, a doer. He is now faced with faking it 'til he makes it; to dare and live "as if"; putting on the mask of the person he wants to one day become.

"The thing that is really hard and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." Anna Quindlen

And boy oh boy is it ever hard work to become yourself. Are you even there yet? Can you remember when you were little and dressing up for Halloween? The costume you chose, whether to be a superhero or a princess? Each costume came with a mask or make-up that allowed you to transform into the idea of who you wanted to be. Can you remember what you felt like once the mask and costume were in place? There was a sort of empowerment, ownership of this imagined you. Maybe grown-ups didn't really believe who you were imagining yourself to be but you felt encouraged to go on and be your Batman self or your Little Mermaid self. You would never know that the grown-ups could see right through because they always greeted you as if you were the superhero or the princess. You were emotionally invested in the persona. Faking it at a young age gave you the freedom of your imagination and creativity to keep on putting on masks and trying them out as you got older. What stuck? What did you ultimately believe about yourself?

Emotions play a big role in all of our life pursuits. Emotions are our fuel. In his book, Happier, Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar writes, "Emotions cause motion; they provide a motive that drives our actions; emotion, motion, motivation are intimately linked." It is absolutely emotion that is driving my son to seek his independence and declare his abilities to himself and the world. Whenever I try to talk to him about this big step he gets emotional just trying to talk to me. It is emotion that drives the idea of "fake it 'til you make it." It is with emotion that we chose the costumes that we did when we were little. Emotion feeds our determination to conquer whatever we choose to do in life.

I have to wonder what his personal questions were:

1) What motivates me to consider this move?

2) What is the opportunity?

3) Who do I need to be in order to become who I want to be?

The philosopher and founder of American Psychology, William James believed that "acting a certain way could make you feel that way." In the thought processes of "fake it 'til you make it" that is exactly the case. Hundreds of experiments have proved this theory correct. For example, a Clark University study showed that smiling, whether on purpose or naturally induced, made people feel happier. Try this experiment when you don't really feel like smiling, smile wide and hold for 20 seconds. Take notice of how you feel during the experiment and at the end. Keep trying it and you will start to believe in the emotional effects of smiling.

Perhaps you are not taking a leap of faith and going out to conquer the world in the way my son has decided to do. Perhaps you are or will be a new college graduate and wondering what now? We live in tough economic times and finding a job in your field of study is not easy. You may and probably will have to take a job way outside of your degree in order to start paying back those student loans. Will you fake it 'til you make it? Will you have the self-confidence and positive attitude to push forward no matter what? What mask will you choose to wear so that people outwardly will believe in who you are trying to become inwardly, but more so that you will start to believe in who you are trying to become? In every job experience you will have you will always need to ask yourself these questions:

1) What gives my life a sense of purpose?

2) What do I enjoy doing?

3) What am I good at?

Answering these questions might guide you toward a calling or help you get through each phase of your life in general. Staying true to who you are and how you answer these questions will always lead you to doing good work. You might not yet know the answers to these questions because you are about to test them all out in the real world. Fake it 'til you make it. Try on different masks and costumes until you find what fits.

DO smile always. People are attracted to smiling people.

DO stand up straight and tall and proud whether you feel like it or not. People will believe in your inner strength if they see it outwardly.

DO contribute where and when you can. Talk to people and be part of conversations. Make an effort to believe that you have something to say because you know what, you do have something to say, you do have worth and substance; you are enough.

DO know that you are not alone. There is a world full of people faking it until they make it; practicing to become the person they want to be.

DO know your own strengths. Take time to discover all the great success characteristics about yourself. It will empower you to smile more, stand taller and contribute endlessly.

DON'T hide in corners or find distractions like using your cell phone too often in social situations. Make people see that they matter to you and you will matter to them. People like to feel validated (and so do you).

DON'T gossip. Don't tell tall tales and don't talk about others behind their backs.

Dr. Ben-Shahar writes, "Happiness at whatever level, does not require a constant experience of ecstasy nor does it require an unbroken chain of positive emotions. To be happy, we have to feel that, on the whole, whatever sorrow, trials, and tribulations we may encounter, we still experience the joy of being alive." There was pure joy in wearing those costumes so long ago. There can be joy in allowing life to be the teacher now. Putting on the fake it 'til you make it mask has a more positive impact on the overall experience. Despite feeling frustrated or let down by not getting that all important job in your field of study right away, smiling anyway, choosing to take each experience for all it's worth goes a long way to help you and everyone around you believe that you are right where you should be. I know that my son will have no choice but to fake it 'til he makes it because as far as the real world is concerned he is a newbie and at the same time doesn't want his inexperience to shine brighter than his determination.

At the University of Rochester, researchers gave subjects an unsolvable problem. Those people that folded their arms in a stubborn pose persevered twice as long as the people that did not display any body language. A study in Singapore revealed that clenching your fist powers your willpower. Try some experiments to see if you can empower yourself to get through some tough moments. Turn your have-to situations into want-to situations by readjusting your confidence and your attitude. Live "as if" this is exactly where you want to be, "as if" you are experiencing exactly what you hoped to experience. How we perceive the work we do, how we perceive the situations we are in matters more than the work or the situation. My son perceives his life's journey to be in a different location from where he grew up, with different people surrounding him and influencing his perspective. He is approaching this with zest and humor and courage. What more could a mom ask for?

"Every thought you produce, anything you say, any action you do, it bears your signature." Thich Nhat Hanh

What thoughts will you produce? What actions will you take to make your moments uniquely you? Will you smile anyway, will you laugh anyway, and will you allow for gain in the experience? What words will you say to start living "as if... ?" What about you will you allow to bear your signature? Fake it 'til you make it and enjoy the ecstatic experience. Journey On...

If you would like to explore how coaching can help move your life forward powerfully and purposefully, email Lisa for a complimentary 30 minute coaching consultation at: lisa@journeyoncoaching.com

Visit our website at http://www.journeyoncoaching.com

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What Animals Reveal About Why We Kiss

What Animals Reveal About Why We Kiss
By Jennifer Verdolin, Ph.d.

Kisses are nearly universal, whether given as a greeting, a sign of affection, or a tentative indicator of the first stirrings of attraction.

In many cultures, a kiss on the cheek is a common way of saying hello or goodbye. Despite my European upbringing, I have always been a little wary of kissing strangers, even if it's just a light peck-there is that uncomfortable moment when you may not be so keen to engage in the ritual but risk offending a new acquaintance.

Maybe for me, kissing, in whatever form, is more personal and intimate-a gesture reserved for "special" occasions. At the same time, one can think of many more unpleasant ways to say hello-for a cat or a dog, a sniff of the bum or a whiff of each other's breath may be the preferred way to go. I suppose, then, that an air kiss to each cheek (the face, not the butt) isn't so bad after all.

It's all about perspective.

Why do so many animals kiss? For the many species who greet one another with a kiss or a sniff, it's about exchanging a wealth of information-who they are, how healthy they are, what their hormone levels are, where they have been, and what they have eaten. Such can be the power of even the simplest kisses. Take prairie dogs (link is external). They are known for their "greet-kiss," which goes a little like this: Two prairie dogs approach, they lock teeth, swap some saliva, and then, inevitably, one of two things happens-they fight or they go about their business. Do they fight because one is a poor kisser? More likely, it's because they don't belong to the same social group.

Among we humans, nothing is as momentous as that first kiss (link is external) when it comes to arousal, romance, and love. It usually does not lead to a fight, but it can rock your world or shatter your dreams. And, oh, how nerve-racking it can be.

What's so important about the first kiss? There is evidence to suggest that, via touch, taste, and smell, it aids us in assessing the long-term potential of a mate. Through the saliva, scientists speculate, kisses help us acquire a range of information about a potential mate, including hormone levels, health, and genetic compatibility (We're more like prairie dogs than you thought.) We also learn about basic compatibility based on how well we kiss together. And once you kiss, a suite of chemical reactions in the brain and body are activated. Sparks really can fly.

We aren't the only species to kiss for "love," but others have developed different approaches. Cardiocondyla elegans (link is external), a species of ant, has a decidedly special kiss. Unlike humans and bonobos (link is external), which share our passion for tongue kissing, C. elegans plays antennae hockey to get in the mood. We don't have antennae, of course, but not all human cultures, past or present, embrace mouth-to-mouth contact as a sign of affection. In ancient Egyptian and several cultures still vibrant today today, such as some Inuit societies, sniffing each other's breath, licking around the face, or simply rubbing faces is still the way to go.

Regardless of what form your kiss takes, it's thought that once a partner has been selected and you are in a relationship, kissing serves to maintain and strengthen the bond between you. So go ahead-kiss fervently with your mouth, sniff each other intensely, or rub noses with abandon. However you go about it, not only will you learn a lot about a mate, it will be sure to get your motor revving.

Want to find out more about what animals can teach us about our relationships? Check out my new book "Wild Connection: What animal mating and courtship tell us about human relationships" ( http://amzn.to/1db82xp ) blends humor and science to show the similarities between humans and animals when it comes to dating and relationships. http://www.jenniferverdolin.com @JVerdolin

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Do We Expect Too Much From a Relationship?

Do We Expect Too Much From a Relationship?
By Connie H Deutsch

Too many women have been told that they expect the kind of partner they read about in romance novels or see on a movie screen. They've also been told that real relationships aren't like that. And we're not even talking about the guys in romance books who are six feet, four inches, with broad shoulders, perfect abs, and drop dead gorgeous faces and bodies. We're talking about the kind of guy who is wonderful husband material.

I have to differ with the opinions of people who try to sell us on the idea that we want the fiction. not the reality. Good relationships really can mirror the heroes in romance novels and the silver screen; they can have many of the same qualities.

A good guy is still a good guy in a book or on the silver screen. He can still be head over heels in love with his wife and not cheat on her. He can still make her feel desirable and sexy. He can still make her feel that her opinions count and lets her be part of the decision-making of important purchases. And she can still make him feel like he's king of her castle.

Most women aren't looking for Superman, no matter how strong he is. They're more inclined to look for Clark Kent who personifies a loyal, sensitive, good person.

They might drool over the good looks of Superman but they'd rather have Clark Kent, who comes across as dependable all the time, rather than just when an emergency occurs. Superman is always flying off somewhere to battle the bad guys. That can get old very fast. Most women want a man to stick around in the evenings to talk to and snuggle with; they don't want him flying off somewhere.

The interesting thing is that money and good looks are at the bottom of the list. At the top of the list is someone who listens to her. She's not looking for him to solve her problems; she just wants to tell him about them. And she's looking for companionship, someone who enjoys her company and doesn't make it seem like a hardship to spend a quiet evening at home with her or go someplace interesting with her.

There are always crises or arguments that have to be dealt with, both in the movies and in romance novels but, whereas we're usually assured of a happy ending in books and movies, real life can be very different.

Maybe we do want more of the fiction in our relationships but, maybe it's also necessary to have that little bit of romance with it too, to offset the large doses of reality that we have to deal with all the time.

Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver.

Connie is the author of the books, "Whispers of the Soul," "A Slice of Life," "Whispers of the Soul for the Rest of Your Life," "From Where I'm Sitting," "View from the Sidelines," "Reaching for the Brass Ring of Life," "Purple Days and Starry Nights," "Here and There," "And That's How it Goes," and "The Counseling Effect." Her website: http://www.conniehdeutsch.com/ See more of her articles by clicking here ConnieHDeutsch Articles

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Relationships: Why Do Some People Feel Empty When They Are Not In A Relationship?

Relationships: Why Do Some People Feel Empty When They Are Not In A Relationship?
By Oliver JR Cooper

There are some people who not only feel comfortable in a relationship; they also feel comfortable when they are not in one. This means that their boundaries are strong enough for them to open up and to experience intimacy without losing who they are.

And when they are not in a relationship, their sense of self is going to be strong enough for them to enjoy their own company. However, if one doesn't have a strong sense of self, it is going to be a challenge for them to have a healthy relationship with another person or to enjoy their own company.

What Can Happen

This can then set up one to go from one extreme to the other or they could end up being stuck on one side of the spectrum. On one side, it could mean that one is almost always in a relationship and on the other, it could mean that they end up doing everything they can to avoid them.

Yet, it can all depend on how they feel as to whether they choose one option or another. If, for example, one struggles with the feeling of being abandoned, it could cause them to do everything they can do be with someone. But if they struggle with feeling smothered, it could mean that they avoid being with others.

Emotional Experiences

One could reflect on how they feel and wonder why they feel as they do. Others could also wonder one feels as they do and therefore, behave as they do. And although one's emotional experience is having a negative effect on their life, it doesn't mean that they will be able to just 'let go' and to change how they feel.

There could be times when one feels smothered and times when they feel abandoned, and this is why it is not black and white. The reason one feels this way could be put down to their beliefs and the thoughts in their head, but this isn't going to be the complete truth.

Behaviour

When one does feel this way, it is going to affect their ability to experience intimacy. This is because one is either going to want to enmesh with another or do everything they can to stop another getting too close them.

The first person could be seen as someone who embraces intimacy; especially if they are always in a relationship. And the other person could be seen as someone who fears intimacy.

Illusion

But the need to become one with another person is not intimacy - it is simply a way for them to avoid feeling abandoned. Here, one has regressed to a symbiotic state has merged with the other. One is then boundary-less and this has then means that they are dependent on the other.

Another way of looking at it would be to picture one person as the mother and the other person as their young child. If appearances were put to one side, this is what one would see. It is then not an adult to adult relationship; it is a parent-child relationship.

In A Relationship

When they are in a relationship, it will be possible for them to regulate how they feel. Through being with someone else, one might believe that they have found what they have been looking for their whole life.

And all the time they are in another's company, they might feel whole and as if their life is perfect. But if one was away from the other person, they could soon feel as though something is missing.

Emptiness

How they feel during these moments is likely to remind them of how they feel when they are not in a relationship. When one is in a relationship and is not in the others company, they can end up believing that their emptiness is being caused by the others absence, whereas, when one is not in a relationship, they are not going to have anyone to project their feelings onto and they could end up wondering why they feel as they do or they might have disconnected from how they feel.

It is then going to be important for them to do everything they can to be around the other person. In the beginning, the other person might appreciate the attention, but as time passes, they might soon feel smothered. When one has a fear of being abandoned, they are generally going to attract people who fear being smothered.

Projection

Being with another then takes away the feeling of emptiness, and this is something that one can feel in their chest. And these feelings can end up causing one to experience physical pain.

However, just because one's feeling of emptiness is taken away in the others company, it doesn't mean that one is missing something. What it is likely to mean is that one is projecting their unmet childhood needs onto the other person.

Unmet Childhood Needs

When one feels empty, it can be a sign that they were neglected during their childhood. And because of what happened, one will have ended up being emotionally undeveloped.

One then doesn't need the other person to feel whole, what it comes down to is that one is projecting their unmet childhood needs onto them. One then sees the other person as their caregiver and expects them to give them what they didn't get whilst they were growing up.

The Catalyst

As a result of one's childhood neglect, they can end up carrying a lot of pain and this can then stop them from being able to realise what is actually taking place. The other person is then not only seen as the cause of their pain, they are also seen as the ones who will take it away.

Ultimately, the other person is triggering one's unmet childhood needs and the pain that they experienced through not having these met, and these will need to be grieved. If one was neglected during their childhood and not given the attunement that they need, it is going to be normal for them to feel empty and as though something is missing as an adult.

Awareness

However, in order for one to feel whole, it will be important for them to grieve their unmet childhood needs and to be affirmed. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

They will hold the space and allow one to get in touch with their unmet childhood needs and to grieve them. Through their presence and the positive regard that they offer, one will gradually begin to develop a sense of self.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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A Case of Mistaken Identity

A Case of Mistaken Identity
By Connie H Deutsch

My mother had the most remarkable memory for faces but she couldn't put them together with the facts. I had the most remarkable memory for facts but I couldn't put them together with faces.

We would go somewhere and she would see a face she recognized and told me where we met the person. I would then tell her everything about the person that we had ever talked about or that I knew about. We did this for years.

One day, we were coming out of a store and my mother recognized someone but we didn't have time to share the details. She was such a charming person that she could call everyone dear, and they would feel flattered. It was her way of telling me she wanted me to fill in the details because she could only recognize the face but nothing else. I was never a charming person and I needed her to tell me where we had seen this woman because I could never get away with calling anyone dear.

On this day, it backfired on us. She and this woman talked like they had known each other for years and so, when this woman suggested we all stop off somewhere for lunch, we said yes.

It was a lovely lunch. In those days, Liberace wasn't too well known and he played to lunch and dinner crowds in his most flamboyant outfits on a white piano. He was great and we were having a wonderful time listening to him and dining in this exclusive restaurant.

After our meal ended, we said goodbye and said that we were so glad we had run into her because it turned out to be such a wonderful day. As we were driving away, I turned to my mother and asked her who this woman was. She looked at me and said, "I have no idea; I thought you knew her."

I said, "Mom, you know I never remember faces" and she said, "But, darling, you were talking to her as if you knew her." I asked her if I had, even once, mentioned her name and, of course, my mother couldn't remember me calling her by anything at all. All she could remember was that we were talking about Liberace and how spectacular he was and how glad she was that we had found this marvelous place for lunch.

A lot of years have come and gone since that day, but every time I think about it, I have to smile. I've always wondered if that woman was driving herself as crazy as we were, wondering who we were.

Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver.

Connie is the author of the books, "Whispers of the Soul," "A Slice of Life," "Whispers of the Soul for the Rest of Your Life," "From Where I'm Sitting," "View from the Sidelines," "Reaching for the Brass Ring of Life," "Purple Days and Starry Nights," "Here and There," "And That's How it Goes," and "The Counseling Effect." Her website: http://www.conniehdeutsch.com/ See more of her articles by clicking here ConnieHDeutsch Articles

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If Only You Would Get What You Are Doing!

If Only You Would Get What You Are Doing!
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

One of the most common dynamics I see with the couples I work with is that each of them is convinced that if only their partner would see what he or she is doing to cause the relationship problems, their relationship would get so much better. They each see clearly what the other person is doing to cause their problems, but they are generally clueless regarding when they are doing. They truly believe that they are just reacting to the other's unloving behavior instead of understanding that they each brought their own controlling strategies into the relationship.

An example of this is a typical situation that frequently occurs between Gavin and Julie.

Gavin:

"Julie blames me for her feelings all the time. She is constantly trying to get me to see that my harshness and coldness is ruining our relationship. But I don't know what else to do but withdraw when she is attacking me. At first I try to understand her feelings, but when she goes on blaming me, it hurts me and scares me and I just have to shut down to her. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. And she can't seem to understand why I don't feel like making love with her."

Julie:

"When Gavin is cold and harsh, I just feel so awful and scared. I don't think I can go on in this marriage if he continues to be so withdrawn, harsh and parental. When he does talk with me, the tone of his voice is scary to me. I feel like I can't do anything right - that everything is always my fault."

Gavin and Julie both, in different ways, keep trying to get the other to see what they are doing wrong.

Gavin's focus is: "If only you would see that dumping your feelings on me, and yelling at me and blaming me is why I end up being cold, harsh and withdrawn. I don't know what else to do."

Julie's focus is: If only you would see that not being here for me when I need you, and always making me wrong with your coldness and harsh voice is why I end up feeling so upset and angry."

Actually, both are right regarding what the other person is doing, but neither is right that the other person is the cause of their own behavior.

Gavin comes from a controlling mother who constantly guilted him for not being there for her. When Julie does this, it triggers Gavin's learned protective, controlling behavior of getting harsh, cold and parental.

Julie comes from a cold, angry, emotionally unavailable father. When Gavin is cold and parental, she gets triggered into her learned protective, controlling behavior of anger and blame.

Gavin and Julie love each other, but it is likely that their relationship won't survive as long as they are both focused on getting the other person to see what they are doing to cause the problems.

They CAN Heal Their Relationship!

For their relationship to heal and grow, each of them needs to take their eyes off the other and learn to take responsibility for their own feelings and actions. They each need to let go of the false belief that the other person is the cause of their own reactive, controlling behavior. They each need to recognize that they are not victims, and that their fears are not actually of the other person, but of the fact that neither has developed a loving adult inside who knows how to take loving care of themselves when the other person is acting from their wounded self.

If they want to heal, then they each need to practice Inner Bonding and spend time together only when both are open and loving with themselves and each other.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding� healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

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